The Proverbial Line

Hell freezes over.

2010-02-15T20:44:00.005-05:00

So I haven't written on here in a while; I've picked up most of my daily ranting and raving and moved it to Facebook (where this also feeds to). Unfortunately, that means those of you whom I don't know personally aren't getting to interact with me (unfortunately for me...god knows what you are thinking).

So lets see where I left off (In no particular order)

I went back to school, yes....again. This time it's fully-online and full-time in the evenings. I'm going for my MBA and as of Wednesday night, I will be 1/4th of the way through the program. It's going fast. I take 1 class at a time for 5.5 weeks, then the next day start a new class. Doesn't leave time for much of anything else.
I started laser hair removal on my neck. I got sick of getting heinous razor burn every time I decided to shave...and really do not look good with a full beard. BTW, if you are thinking of doing it, apparently the neck is the second worse place to get it...the first being inside the nostrils. Hurts like a M*ther F*cker.
I sold Reba. Yes, she served me well, but ultimately I wanted to get something a bit more me (and a bit more flashy). So I got myself a loaded up Altima (still without a name). He/She looks like this:(Any thoughts on a name?)
Charlie is doing well. Keeps me on my toes...Though, he's been on his toes a lot this last week...
So we got hit with Snowmageddon last week and got about 2.5 feet of snow dropped on us over the course of a week. Now it's snowing again. Well, this snow has managed to collect on the roof and is causing an ice dam which is leaking into the: Master Bedroom, Spare Bedroom, and Living Room. Fun, huh? Disaster recovery folks were here tonight and will be back later to rip some walls out, let them dry, and then put up new walls. Yeah, I am SO not looking forward to that.

"what the hell is all this shit?""it's a good thing daddy got me this retarded-looking hoodie..."
I went to B&K's nuptuals in July and November (I love them dearly, but don't ask).
Work has (been great / sucked ass), depending on the week. I had a project that I worked very hard on, make it all the way to the CEO and Board of Directors, but I have a feeling my bosses are going to put their name all over it.
I got my wisdom teeth removed last summer. Yeah. That's right up there with water-boarding and wearing a chastity belt.

Yeah. Um..so that was totally random...but I think it gets you caught up. ;-)

There's a Crisis...in my Pants

2009-08-24T16:13:00.002-04:00

...or, Someone had a case of the Mondays.

I got up this a.m. and stumbled my way through my morning ritual. You know: Shower, Shave, Shampoo, etc... Then, as I was putting on my shoes to leave I noticed something amiss.

Through my oatmeal-colored linen pants I noticed a hint of color. Well, more than a hint -- maroon boxers. So I yelled a quick expletive and ran upstairs to change my gutchies. I reached into my drawer and pulled out a pair of light-gray boxer-briefs. "These will do," I thought as I threw them on, put on the pants and shoes, and ran out the door.

So walking from the bus to my building, I notice a strange sensation. Something just wasn't right. I kept walking, got into my building and into line at the crack dealer... er... Starbucks and then put my iPod away.

Something was seriously nagging me...so after I got my coffee, I went upstairs and into the mens room to check on the state of affairs.

Well, the shorts were on...nothing was wrong with them per se....but they were on backward.

Yeah...it was that kind of morning.

Gonna Wash that Man Right Outta My Hair

2009-06-01T22:43:00.003-04:00

Sorry it's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened in the past couple of months, so I will recap as best as I can.

May was an interesting month; Charlie graduated obedience school, I took my first trip to Europe (I will post more of that later), and then I attended the most warped memorial service ever. EVER.

So J's step-dad died in January; his mom's had a hard time of it, but has been getting by. Old Fred was a crazy man. I mean that in the nicest, most gun-toting, vietnam flashback-having, drunken stupor sorta way. When Fred was making his final arrangements, he expressed that didn't want a formal service. He wanted to be cremated, he wanted bagpipes, Taps, and just immediate family and neighbors to be around while he's "dispersed" on the hill.

Well, here's what he got:

Memorial day; there were about 15 people, in his back yard. We'd planned to plant a tree in his memory (J's mom wanted it) and then some music and food. Well, somewhere along the way, she decided she didn't want to deal with bagpipes, so she just wanted a tape of the music. J's brother's girlfriend, Jeanine, decided to just download "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes, and taps. Then she brings over her banged-up boom-box to play it on.

So we dug this hole in the ground for the tree, appropriately a Weeping Willow, and got ready for the "ceremony." Jeanine, thinking of Fred's favorite things, comes up with the fabulous idea of putting Fred in his favorite beer cans...Milwaukee's Best (that's right, the Beast).

We are getting ready for the ceremony and I realize that I can't make it through without some chemical assistance, so I pop an anti-anxiety and put Charlie on his leash (don't want the puppy eating Fred...or pissing on him).

So back to the service, everyone's solemnly standing around the hole with their cans o' Fred. Jeanine starts the CD of Bagpipes; and mom starts to cry. Then the CD starts skipping like a drunken man with hiccups. "Amaaaaaazing :hic: Grace. How :hic: sweeeeeet the :hic:..."

Now, I'm trying not to laugh and praying to God that the pill kicks in to keep me from giggling.

Then the family starts taking their turns pouring out Fred into the hole with the tree. And I'm trying to keep Charlie from running at this wonderful grey flakey stuff that they are pouring into the hole. He's all, "Play ! Play ! Play !"

Then comes the drunken man's version of Taps, and Mom and J's bro start sobbing. I was very afraid that J's mom was going to try to throw herself to the ground over the tree screaming, "Take me with you!" Thankfully that didn't happen.

Oh, and Fred, the alcoholic he was, had a wicked sense of humor and a penchant for Elvis, so someone thought it would be fitting to have a little fun with the ceremony. Once all of the ashes were spilled and the hole is being back-filled, they switch the cd to an old recording of the announcer saying, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has just left the building."

I almost peed right there, but thankfully the drugs had kicked in. Instead of spilling ashes, I decide I will help by watering the tree; so there I am, holding a giant yellow watering can and trying to keep a rambunctious Corgi at bay...watering Fred. How's that for a mental image?

But wait, there's more! Fred, that is. So ol' mom starts handing out the remaining cans of Fred's remains and asks that people sprinkle him all over the hillside...in the wind...and there are pieces of Fred flying everywhere. I'm trying to duck for cover while keeping Charlie from eating the funny greyish flakes flying in the wind.

Wait, there's even MORE! Fred, that is. They have reserved a little bit of him and they want to spread his remains in his two favorite places. So we take the remaining can of Fred down to the Legion. On the drive, we debate the legality of spreading remains on private property, and decide it's best to be as discreet as possible.

So we pull up out front in the black SUV and J's brother runs out with this bucket o' Fred and DUMPS them in the rose garden in front of two old ladies on the porch of the legion who yell, "what was that?????" Jeff yell's "the dog.. " and jumps back in as we speed off.

We then drop by his second favorite bar and drop the last pieces of dust in their property. I say "we," but really, I was just an accessory. I sat in the car dumbfounded.

And then go back to the house and have dinner. After which I ran home, threw my clothes in the laundry, and proceeded to wash the final traces of Fred out of my hair.

Seriously?! Seriously.

Every Dog Has His Day...

2009-03-22T10:22:00.004-04:00

This apparently wasn't Charlie's...

Saturday is Charlie's Obedience Class day. Yesterday started like any other...but as we were getting ready for class, I was giving him a good rub-down and found a tick the size of a corn kernel on the inside of his leg. I was horrified at this blood-engorged thing burrowing under his skin.

I called the vet and they told me how to get it out, but when I did, the head broke off and stayed in. I had to use the tweezers to get it out and then put peroxide on it. Charlie was a total champ and didn't whine or anything.

Then we packed him off to his second class. The first one went well and the second one started off well. He was teachers' pet and did anything the two instructors showed us. Then during the "recess," this other dog got aggressive with Charlie. Thankfully, he's not aggressive, and just did what he was supposed to...hunkered down and gave a warning growl.

So then class ended and we took him to his pedicure appointment at the shelter where the classes are. Well, this was too much for the little guy...he screamed bloody murder while they trimmed his little paws.

"Not COOL!" he seemed to say.

I went to an appointment and came back to find out that he had thrown up in his crate. He looked so pathetic.

So we left him to nap and went and got lunch, haircuts, groceries and came back home. I also picked up some Zodiac flea and tick shampoo from Smiley's (little local shop where I got Kira 10 years ago).

So we got home and continued the torture of poor Charlie. I wanted to make sure there were no more ticks or fleas on him, since he is getting fixed tomorrow and won't be able to have a bath for a couple of weeks. He was good about the bath, but by the time we were done he basically looked exhausted and spent the rest of his evening napping.

Poor little dude...And tomorrow is surgery...

Not too sure about this...
Um..Is this necessary??
WHY GOD??? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME???Dude, Not COOL !
I Give Up!
Damn Reality TV
Can't...Go...On...

ZZZZZZZZ....

American 'Mo

2009-03-04T19:43:00.002-05:00

So each year I tune in to see what kinds of train-wrecks make it through to American Idol, and it seems that each year there are more and more Mo's getting through. Don't believe me? Check this shit:

Season 1:

Jim Verraros (Adorable, and went on to perform in Eating Out 1 & 2 as well as release a sexually-charged CD)
RJ Helton (took him long enough to come out)

Season 2:

Clay Aiken (Oh, Who didn't see that one coming?)

Season 4:

Mario Vazquez (mysteriously disappeared)

Season 5:

No one of importance

Season 6:

Sanjaya Malakar (either gay, or just really unfortunate)

Season 7:

David Hernandez (Male Stripper...couldn't sing that great)
Danny Noriega (Duuuuuhhhh)
David Archuleta (Twink in Training)

Season 8:

Adam Lambert (have you seen the videos?)
Nathaniel Marshall (gayer than christmas)
Nick Mitchell (just a hunch ;-) )
Von Smith (straight men don't caterwaul like that)

Now, I might have missed someone, sorry, but this is just my own opinion in cases where the 'Mo-ness is not confirmed. Just sayin'.

Invasion

2009-02-20T21:00:00.002-05:00

Sorry I've been absent from the interwebs...life has been incredibly busy since it was invaded by a little, furry, slobbery creature.

I guess today is as good of a day as any to announce to my 4 blog followers the adoption of Charlie Winston.

Little Charlie has been absorbing most of my free time..but he sure is cute and loving.

GRRRR ARRRGGGH!!!

Mmmmm Small Hoomin!

Must drag my prey off to my den...

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

A Brand New Day

2009-01-20T21:49:00.003-05:00

To echo the words of Sting, who is on the TV right now being accompanied by Mr. Stevie Wonder, it's a brand new day.

You've probably already heard it a million times today, but I'll say it again, today marks a day when anything can happen. It's a testament to America's resilience that millions have shown up in droves to welcome the new day.

Were there this many supporters out for Bush? Nope. That's because many of the people who voted for that ass were too lazy to get off of their asses to show support. They were the bible-thumpers, bigots, bile-spewing conservatives, and various other mislead people.

Anywho, enough of that..let us put the hatred and ignorance behind us. It's a new day, a new direction, and new hope.

Yes, We Indeed Can.

P.S. The president's gay-neighborly agenda has been posted.

Scott the Asian Rides Again

2009-01-14T20:00:00.003-05:00

So I got a little bored with my usual repertoire of meals and decided that I was half-asian tonight. I also thought I was a really good chef.

Turns out I am a not at all asian and maybe even a decent chef. So above is my attempt at a meal with enough salt to melt Simon Cowell's frozen heart. Mango Chicken over Orzo (because I hate rice), scallion pancake with a soy and rice vinegar sauce, and egg roll. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad!

Funniest Simon comment this season:
"It sounded like a cat jumping off of the Empire State Building and that's the sound it would make before hitting the ground"

Looking at you through the glass.

2009-01-10T08:45:00.005-05:00

So I'm lying here on the couch, staring out the back window/door into the beautiful winter scene which is laid out on my back yard and the woods beyond. White and clean (not that the two are mutually exclusive), and yet I'm not thinking of the beauty of the snow...I'm imagining my car flipping 3 times end-over-end again as I hit an icy patch in the road.

Can't happen, you say? Well, it did. About 11 years, 11 months, and 11 days ago (don't make me count the days, because I know that's not right, but just go along with me). I was driving home from an LGBA meeting at school (that's the 'mo group on campus) and had just dropped off 3 militant dykes at their dorm (at 20-something they aren't bulldykes yet...). One had just commented on how much she loved my car, little Pedro the brand-new Neon (yep..."Hi!"). I said thank you and went on my way down the back roads between campus and mom's house.

I was listening to some Tori and getting a bit nervous about the ice when suddenly I hit a patch and skidded off the road. I tried to pull it back on and almost managed to when the tire hit the edge of the road and decided, "now's a good time to explode." This caused my car to take a nose dive into the ditch after which it proceeded to roll like a weasel ball into the marsh (wetlands for the Politically Correct).

I don't remember actually rolling. I've been told that this is a self-defense mechanism of the brain; that in times of great stress, it decides to change the channel for a bit. I remember the CD starting back up (it had started skipping when the car rolled) with a lyric from Mr. Zebra that sang brightly, "...Too bad the burial was premature she said and smiled." I turned off the car, which had dutifully popped out of gear mid-roll, and got out of the car.

Here's the scary part for me; when I was young, around 12, I started having nightmares. Well one nightmare. I was always alone in a snowy field and calling for help. There was a road beside me and a street light above me and I was scared and alone. That dream always left me feeling cold and totally freaked. So when I got out of the car this chilly January evening...I was right there living that dream. At the time, I didn't quite understand what was going on and didn't relate the dream to this situation. I was too scared to put those pieces together yet, but figured it out a few days later.

Anyway, the nightmare stopped, I guess it was premature or was it premonition? And no, I can't listen to that song anymore.

So now I stare out and look at that lovely snow the way that a child may stare at a shark at the aquarium and thank whoever will listen that there is a thick piece of glass separating us.

Happy Next Year!

2009-01-01T00:18:00.001-05:00

::smooches::

Happy Holidays from the Ru-bamas

2008-12-23T15:19:00.000-05:00

Couldn't have said it better myself...

2008-12-13T22:41:00.004-05:00

This is probably my favorite clip on The Soup in the past month...

Although this one kinda rocks too...

I forgot all about this gem...

Fail

2008-12-13T08:24:00.006-05:00

Yah...So, I'm really loving fail blog right now...

For Manda:
GLOL:

...and decided to make one of my own:

The Musical

2008-12-03T19:23:00.002-05:00

I love Margaret Cho, Maya Rudolph, John C. Reilly, Allison Janney, Kathy Najimy, Sarah Chalke, Jack Black, and Neil Patrick Harris.

The Tree That Ate Christmas

2008-11-29T19:27:00.005-05:00

Yeah, so i bought this tree in January 75% off at Target to replace our old 6' colored-light tree. When I bought that tree 6 years ago, I got it for $25 and thought it was a steal. It was a good tree, I just wanted to go with something with clear lights and a little more real looking.

So I found the new tree... 7.5' with clear lights. Very pretty, and looked great in the store. Well, the thing, when put together almost touches the ceiling and is about 6' across. We moved the living room all around to see how to make it fit. First we put it where the other one was last year, then we tried removing furniture. Then decided, well, we need the furniture in case anyone ever wants to visit. So we moved all of the living room furniture around (except the tv and the piano..those aren't going anywhere).

Well, the Tree That Ate Christmas, just wasn't fitting. So I took a look at it and said, I bet it would look just fine if we took the bottom 1/3 of the tree off. Guess what? It does! So now we have a 5.5' tree (6' with the star) that still looks high quality (it cost 3x what the old one did) AND we were able to put it where the tree was last year.

Oh, and the old tree is going to a friend who recently broke up from a long term relationship and had no tree after moving out, so I feel really good about that. :)

Something Else to Be Thankful For...

2008-11-25T19:25:00.004-05:00

Ann Coulter's Jaw Wired Shut

Please God, let this be real...

On second thought, I hope that it was some gay, democratic doctor who took great joy in performing that procedure.

Wrapping Up

2008-11-25T12:32:00.003-05:00

Since it's coming on Thanksgiving, I'd like to give thanks that that nincompoop, Lady Maverick, is not going anywhere near the Oval Office any time soon.

A couple of recent events have become more than just a blip on my radar over the past couple of days that gave me that feeling like when you are driving in an ice storm and stop at red light only to look in your rear view mirror and see the car behind you starting to skid before coming to a stop inches from your bumper. Your heart stops for a minute and then you think, "Whew, that was close!" Yeah, that feeling.

First, there was last week's turkey-killing:

Palin gives an interview about the heavy-handedness of politics while turkeys are being slaughtered behind her ... on camera. I just love the look on the guy's face like "hrm, should I be doing this right here, right now? Ahhh fuck it."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-kjM1asH-8&eurl

Then there's this article, the highlight of which was:

"I worked with President Ronald Reagan since his first days in the California Governor’s Office, and I can tell you that I see so many similarities between President Reagan and Governor Palin." - chief strategist, Sal Russo

Ok, I agree with part of that...though Reagan had alzheimer's, Palin is just idiotic.

Yep, I'm glad that is all over with, at least for another couple of years...

Don't know what to write

2008-11-23T18:31:00.004-05:00

...and so I'll just babble.

So a lot has been going on the past week. After returning from the wedding I have been going non-stop. Monday night I did the week's grocery shopping (usually my Sunday afternoon thing, but was out of town), Tuesday was my usual shopping evening (I bought some books mostly...be looking for them on my Good Reads update as I finish them), Wednesday chilled, Thursday went and saw my first regular season NFL football game, Friday went to my best friend's for dinner, and last night went to a dear friend's for her birthday, and today I did the grocery shopping, cleaned house and made dinner (Ok, I didn't make it...I rocked it. Yeah, that's right.)

I've been fighting off serious headaches for the past couple of days and have had a general feeling of malaise. It could be all the activity of the past couple of weeks, or the seasons changing, or PMS, or all of the above. It could just be that time of year that always gets me down...because a lot of sad memories for me are from things that took place around this time of year. I just feel like doo doo.

Anywho, just wanted to let y'all know what I've been up to. I'll check back with you later (whoever some of you are). Oh and don't worry about me; I'm just venting.

Some truth in jokes...

2008-11-19T22:08:00.000-05:00

Snippets

2008-11-14T21:36:00.004-05:00

In Long Island for a wedding tomorrow for two very special people.
Tomorrow is the national day of protest for us 'mos to protest us not being able to wed.
Did I mention I'll be at a wedding tomorrow? Irony? Perhaps, but happy to be here. Kind of bittersweet.
I had to drive through Jersey. I think I saw a pothole open up, swallow a Lincoln and then spit out its muffler.
I think this somehow qualifies me for combat pay or something.

Try NOT singing it...

F'ing Jersey

Ok, one pearl in that shithole called Jersey...

Leaving Jersey!

Entering Brooklyn

Another Ally

2008-11-12T12:17:00.000-05:00

I hate retail

2008-11-08T23:00:00.004-05:00

I usually buy my skin care products at Sephora, but received a coupon in this week's ad for 20% off at ULTA. It didn't specifically exclude my products, so I decided to check things out.

First of all, the sales staff didn't bother to even approach me the entire time I was there. Usually Sephora workers are on me like an Ethiopian on a Big Mac trying to assist me and inform me of the products. I thought this was odd that they were standing around looking bored, but picked up my things and proceeded to the counter.

Then I had my big issue; after ringing up my Anthony and Peter Thomas Roth products, the sales assistant told me that the coupon excluded those products. I asked her where it said that, and she said "this here, 'Prestige Skin Care'." Well, I don't know about everyone else that shops there, but a guy like myself doesn't see "Anthony" or "Peter Thomas Roth" and think "Prestige." We think "over-priced, but if I want to keep my youthful appearance..." Seriously, If you want to exclude everything in the store over 10$, why don't you say so. This is bait and switch if I ever saw one.

Needless to say, I left and will be making my way to Sephora. I can get the same products at Sephora or Nordstrom at the same price, with much better service. With this economy and a bunch of angry gay men out there with no weddings to pay for? Bad move guys; Seriously, bad move.

Take a Hike

2008-11-08T14:48:00.006-05:00

...or, Oops, I forgot.

So I went hiking a few weeks ago and took about 200 pictures along the way. Unfortunately, I forgot to post them until now. So here you go...

Pretty .. Slippery Rock Creek

Walking in the Woods

Lots of tall brown things

More of the creek

My Audition piece for Blue Man Group

Dam

Yeah...It's a little bit country

Hells Hollow

Hells Hollow Falls...not so Hellish, actually...and not so much of a fall as a gentle slide

Little Scottie fell in the well!

Stunning view from Cleland Rock

Bittersweet

2008-11-06T20:57:00.002-05:00

So Tuesday was both a happy and a sad day for civil rights and equality. I was happy to see some diversity get elected to the White House as it truly shows that we, as a country, is able to accept someone with a different skin tone than almond. That is definitely a huge step for the country.

Of course, in the dance of politics, when there's one step forward, there's always another step back. Fundamentalist Christians, the Church of Latter Day Saints, and some other wackjobs spent enough money to save the economy in order to force discrimination into a couple of states' constitutions. Apparently us 'Mo's were too much of a threat to their church.

Now, if you figure, both sides spent more than $100mil on this initiative, which could have almost rescued a bank or two. We also have an economy in the toilet, thousands of people dying in two wars, and a few other crises here at home and people were wasting money on writing more discrimination into our lives.

Oh, and by the way the passing of this amendment will cause the state to lose around $10mil a year in sales taxes from the thousands of marriages that would happen if marriage stayed legal.

Go Vote

2008-11-03T19:52:00.004-05:00

Ok, so in a little more than 24 hours, our country's fate :vote obama: will be decided by the asses, er, masses :vote democrat:.

So all of you Joe the Whatevers, get out there and vote :obama: and tell the world it's time for a change; that we (America) :biden too: are mature enough to handle that responsibility.

Now, there are a lot :mccain sucks donkey dick: of incentives to vote:

Making a Change
Feeling Good
Make a difference
Make it Right
Other things Michael Jackson sang about in Man in the Mirror...

But, if you need more incentives:

Starbucks: Free tall coffee from 8-10am
KrispyKreme: Free Donut
Ben and Jerrys: Free scoop of yummy goodness from 5-8pm
Chik-fil-a: Free Chicken Sandwich (if you are into eating at places that push for right-wing christian values)
Eat N' Park: Free Coffee

So there are plenty of incentives :be a maverick, vote democrat: to vote this year. And you know, I'm looking to you to make that change... For once in your life :palin is satan:.

P.S. If you vote for Satan :and by Satan, I mean McCain: don't expect a Christmas card this year.

Craziness

2008-11-03T09:34:00.005-05:00

This weekend was crazy all because (in no logical order):

Got served freezer-burned lasagna(oh, just don't eat the edges)
Had a bird on my head
Watched a neighbor kid get carried out in a body bag
Shopped
Chopped my hair off
Ate chinese (food, not people)
Went to a pancake breakfast event for the Rotary

So it was a busy weekend, and I must tell you that it's quite surreal and sobering to watch a 24 year-old boy get carried out of his house in a black bag as if he were garbage. He apparently overdosed on something (we hear heroin). Well, he was a troubled child: drug arrests at an early age, jail-time for stabbing his ex-girl, couple of other ODs, rehab, etc... But you would have thought that after all that, he would have learned. I guess he got high and never came back down because Saturday he was dead. Hopefully his friends get a clue.

Asshole? Come work for PAT!

2008-10-29T17:25:00.004-04:00

...or, This is another reason I hate unions...

So I'm heading home today and walking to the bus stop. I was a minute or two ahead of schedule so I was walking at a normal pace. I round the corner to see the bus already sitting at the stop, EARLY.

And thus, I did what would be expected when it's 35 degrees and snowing (in October, no less)...I ran! As I'm running up to the bus, 10 feet away, the bus driver looks up at me, shuts the door, and points to the next bus stop...a BLOCK UP. Asshole wanted me to RUN a block rather than open the fucking doors.

Mother FUCKER!

So, I called the Port Authority (PAT), and filed a complaint. The nice lady on the phone said, "while it is common courtesy that he would wait to close the doors, he is not required to by contract."

My response, "So he can be ignorant?"

"Yes sir, There's nothing we can do about that..it's in their contract. (aka the union contract)"

"So let me get this straight, he can be an ignorant ass to people all day long and still get paid 50k+ per year?"

"Yes sir."

"and it doesn't have any effect on his performance review."

"No sir. He's not rated on common courtesy or customer service."

So, what this makes me think is that his union is there to protect the assholes. If I were an asshole on my job, I would be canned, but because he's "protected by a union" he get his outrageous raises every year? Fuckers!

Yeah, and for those of you who aren't in Pittsburgh, the PAT drivers are out of contract at the moment and there are talks of striking if they don't get what they want.

Here are some things they are having a beef about in the new contract:

• Provide annual pay increases of 3 percent a year, putting the average hourly wage for bus-trolley drivers at $25.70 and for first-line supervisors at about $30 at the end of the contract in the 2010-11 fiscal year. They don't think this is enough to ride a busload of people around all day!

• Require Local 85 members, who now contribute 1 percent of their base pay toward health care costs, to pay the equivalent of 3 percent by the end of the contract. Oh please, get in line! We all pay for our benefits! Not to mention, the benefits themselves are fantastic.

• Encourage current employees to work longer, most to age 60, and contribute more to qualify for post-retirement health care. Those hired on or after Dec. 1 would not be eligible for post-retirement health care. Did I mention they currently can retire at 55 with 20 years of service and get health care for life? The rest of us will have to be WalMart greeters until we're dead in order to pay for our arthritis meds.

• Increase pension contributions from the current 4.5 percent to 5.5 percent on Jan. 1, and to 6.5 percent effective Jan. 1, 2010. They get a pension!? Fuck them Don't give them this money! I say you decrease it to -.5 by 2010..make them pay for everyone else's pension that used to work there.

• Eliminate overtime for more than eight hours worked in a day, making it payable only when an employee works more than 40 hours in a week, a strategy to reduce chronic absenteeism and prevent employees from making up the lost pay by working overtime another day. Yeah, because these assholes are able to call off "sick", leaving people out in the snow, and then just work an extra 5 hours during the week to make up for the 8 hours of pay. FUCK THEM!

• Eliminate a contract provision that allows employees to show up late for work 13 times before receiving a written warning, a strategy to keep transit service on time. 13 times before a written warning?? Ok, let's put this into perspective. My bus has about 100 people on it. If a bus driver shows up late, my morning route is f'ed up and 100 people are late for work...where we don't get the courtesy of 13 attempts before we get a written warning. I don't think it should come to the point of making 1,300 people late for work before you get written up. Three strikes you're out, pal.

Ridiculous! F'ing ridiculous. And this is why I pay them $70 a month to ride that happy bus. If I could find a job with free parking, I'd be off that bus in a heartbeat. ::end rant:: (can you tell I'm pissed off?)

Keepin' it Real

2008-10-25T22:42:00.001-04:00

Dick

2008-10-23T11:35:00.006-04:00

So I walked into the mens' room today and ran into Dick at the urinal. I mean, it's not like it's a rare occurance, but I am left confused.

My questions:

Do you acknowledge Dick?
Do you look at Dick?
What if you get caught looking at Dick, what then?
Do you engage Dick in conversation?
If so, do you say "Hi Dick, how's it going?"
What if Dick looks at you? Then do you greet Dick?
Then, if I realize that I don't know much about Dick, how far do I take it with Dick?

Really, what is the Dick Protocol? I guess I just have Dick on the brain.

Know what I hate?

2008-10-21T22:35:00.001-04:00

Cities named after states.

Oh..and this freak...

Guess Who's Back?

2008-10-19T18:07:00.006-04:00

...Yeah bitches, it's me.

So I decided to try to greet the autumn this weekend. I get a little SAD this time of year, but did have some fun this weekend.

At the Waterfront

Beautiful view from the Homestead Bridge

Country Crafts (yeah, I didn't buy any of that shit)

Was thinking of my Bee on her Engagement Party weekend.

Picked out a Pumpkin

Saw My Little Ponies

The short tractor...

Then came home and rocked out in the kitchen. Yeah, bitches, that's some Chicken with a nice apple, mushroom, and shallot sauce on top and steamed asparagus. Eat your heart out...then have stinky pee for a day or two...

Wanda Does It: Finance Reform

2008-10-14T10:21:00.001-04:00

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me...

2008-10-08T19:31:00.002-04:00

Yeah... That would totally be my threat as a parent, "if you don't shut up, I'm leaving you at a hospital in Omaha."

Nebraska law lets parents abandon teens

Could be worse... could be Arkansas.

P.S. Thanks to Miss Manda for helping me find my new Grandma.

Funnies

2008-10-05T19:30:00.003-04:00

I dug out Charlie Bartlett to watch before Housewives comes on. God I love this movie.

And one of my personal favorites!

Perspective...

2008-10-01T09:09:00.004-04:00

::UPDATE:: Watching the Debate and I have to say "NUCLEAR!!! IT'S NUCLEAR, DAMNIT!!!". Oh and John McCain doesn't know how to win a war. He was a prisoner of war...apparently he's not too good at the war thing. Seriously!

Ok, I lied..like a politician

2008-09-29T22:19:00.001-04:00

Here's some politics...kind of...

Economy in the Toilet...

2008-09-27T08:56:00.006-04:00

...right along with our civil rights.

So that is a nice little capstone for this disastrous excuse of a presidency. I don't try to get political; there are a lot better people than me when it comes to going after the president (Jon Stewart...my hero), but some have asked me about how I feel about where the economy is going.

Well, it's going to the rich people. The stock market is taking a beating, but that's cuz all of those rich people who have stocks are selling them off very cheaply. Yes, they're taking a hit, but they are also getting the cash out of it. They were the ones who thought making the economy better would happen by giving more money to the rich (trickle down, my ass!... mmm... er... Fight Trickle-Down Economics) and then having those rich loan money to people who didn't have any...at low interest rates. Really fuckin' brilliant.

Us po' people are sitting back and watching our retirement plans being beat up like the geeky kid on the playground (poor guy, I know how that feels). I mean, I'm sitting here watching the market and watching my retirement plan lose about 20% of the cash I've thrown in there to help protect me when I'm older. Not cool. We're also watching people without retirement plans, those whose entire investments are their homes, lose their homes.

Those rich folks don't know what the fuck it's like. Chris Rock said it nicely on Larry King, "The choice is you got a guy that's worth $150 million with 12 houses against a guy who's worth a million dollars with one house...The guy with one house really cares about losing a house, because he is homeless. The other guy can lose five houses and still got a bunch of houses."

8 years ago, our economy was doing much better than what 12 years of Republican Regime left us in. Remember what that did to us? We were so poor by the time George H.W. came into office that we had to resort to grunge music. I mean, even our celebrities were poor and dirty (RIP Curt).

I's our fault, though, really. We were the ones who didn't have enough of George H.W. ("Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?" - at Auschwitz, Sept 1989) Bush so we voted his son, George W. ("You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." - to divorced mother of three) Bush, into office. We're dumber than they are!

So with that, I leave you with: Vote Democrat...Specifically vote Obama for President. Our economy and civil rights depend upon it. Don't even get me started on the civil rights part...

The Hoes on the Bus...

2008-09-23T22:17:00.003-04:00

So I'm on the bus this morning going into my usual sensory overload with my iPod and book. You know, minding my business and trying to obliterate everyone else's business from my attention. Suddenly one of those million post-cards comes fluttering out of this chick's magazine. I thought, oh well, we're at a stop so she'll pick it up.

Yeah, well I would be wrong. The bitch just looked at it, and went back to reading her magazine. I looked at her magazine, Elegant Bride and then, of course, had to give her the work-over.

Dirty sneakers
Houndstooth skirt
Tight black tank
Long acrylic nails
Tattoo on her ankle(indiscernible)
6 months pregnant

Yeah, she's an elegant bride alright. Uh huh.

Don't Hate, Medicate

2008-09-22T22:14:00.002-04:00

So I woke up on Monday with a bad case of creeping crud of the...well...throat. You know when you have one side of your neck twice the size of your fist?

I went to work anyway, because I had a ton of shit to do, and with my new promotion, my responsibilities have tripled. I've not exaggerated there -- I really am doing a lot more work.

Anywho, I decided to fight the infection with everything I had - Vitamin C, Antibiotics (left over from my dermatologist), and Tylenol Cold (the liquid). Guess what? I was all better in 2 days. Now before y'all go all crazy on me or start mimicking me, I have some background in the medical field and do know that antibiotics don't work on something viral. However, I am prone to upper respiratory infections and am pretty attuned to what's going on.

Aside from that.. all is cool.

Mondegreens

2008-09-14T17:03:00.005-04:00

When I hear songs on the radio, I'm usually pretty good at figuring out the lyrics. I mean, you can pretty much figure out from the context of the sentence what is going on lyrically.

However, there are two songs that have me perplexed. I'm hearing things, and filling in the blanks. Contextually, my versions work, but apparently I'm wrong.

My versions are offensive to some, but they do indeed work. See for yourself:

Frankie J - Obsession (No Es Amor)

"I dont know if its right
I'm tossin' turning in my bed
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still cant sleep
Thinkin' 'bout your booty it makes me weep..."
(I've seen some pretty fierce booties in my time...But to sing about them? Seriously.)

And...

Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up

"When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have boobies..."
(Hey, don't yell at me -- Consider the source of those lyrics!)

I did some research on the interwebs and found that I'm not the only one who feels this way about these lyrics. I'll let you look up the real ones yourself.

Of course, my mind didn't stop there. I had to visualize the lyrics...

Weep-worthy? Check!

Boobies? Check!

Oh come on, what'd you think I'd post?

Oh yeah...Boobies? Jake...mmmm...er, I mean CHECK!

That day again

2008-09-11T20:42:00.001-04:00

Um...Yeah...

2008-09-10T21:27:00.002-04:00

So I was checking through my tracker and saw my usual minions visiting the site (still haven't figured out the one from phoenix), and I noticed some disturbing things while seeing out people got to my site.

My usual links from my friends' blogs (nothing disturbing, unless you count my friends themselves
Google Search for: "missy, peehole, sound" in Hungary (there are some sick fucking hungarians out there!)
My usual searches for "80s slogans" and "Burnt Almond Torte" (mmmm torte)
Google Search for: "scott patrick salon" (trust me, you don't wanna come to my house to get your hair did)
Someone using Linux (aww...penguin geek love)

Um...yeah...

Loss

2008-09-08T23:11:00.002-04:00

So one of my best friends' dog died this morning. I was at loss for what to do, so I looked online to check out the eCards for a simple greeting. One even had ones for loss of a pet, so I looked at the cards and there was one that was really nicely worded and drawn. I thought "ok, let's do this one." Then it played this interestingly sad church music.

I thought, "no...not right." So I looked down and noticed that it had options for different songs:

First option: jaunty little walk in the park -- Not appropriate.
Second option: jaunty day at the beach with dog barking -- Nope, not appropriate.
Third option: jaunty version of "How much is that doggie in the window?" -- What the fuck?!?
Fourth option: jaunty version of "Where has my little dog gone?" -- You have got to be FUCKING JOKING ME!?!?

Ok, there are some SICK FUCKS at a place that rhymes with Poo Mountain. I mean SERIOUSLY?!? Seriously.

Trust me, the irony is not lost on me. I send out ironic cards for birthdays, engagements, bar mitzvahs, Christmas, and others.

So, needless to say, I'm making my own card.

Sunday

2008-09-07T16:32:00.002-04:00

Almost Peed Myself

2008-09-05T21:39:00.001-04:00

F'ed Uppedness

2008-09-03T23:09:00.004-04:00

I have this strange obsessions; I must purchase movies. I don't like to rent and somehow, when I see a movie in the store that I just intuitively know I will like, I just buy it. So tonight I watched my latest movie purchase.

I bought My Sassy Girl, which is a remake of a Korean movie called Yeopgijeogin geunyeo(yes, bless you) which I think translates into "Crazy-ass Bitch with Chemical Imbalance." What is it about those in Koreans and their f'ed uppedness when it comes to cinema? I mean, look at The Lake House.

So this one was just as crazy and probably even better. So I won't give away too much of the plot, but it's about a guy and a girl that meet under crazy circumstances, and for some unknown reason he... wait... don't want to spoil it. Just rent/buy/steal it. Oh, and Jesse Bradford is the male lead...he would make me wet, if I were a girl, but I'm not, so he makes me hard. Or something like that.

"If we never see each other again, and one day, you feel a certain presence beside you... that would be me, loving you wherever I am. "

Stillers n@

2008-08-29T14:08:00.005-04:00

So last night was a fun game at Heinz field (yes, the ketchup people). This was my first game there, and I must say, we had some damn good seats thanks to my b.i.l. who decided not to invite his family and instead took me and my dad.

Rather than tell you about my evening, I figured I'd show you.

WTF man? I like the Steelers and all, but that's just stoopid.

Our seats were too good to be obstructed by an overzealous tart with a camera...SIT THE F*CK DOWN, BITCH!

Pittgirl would hurl, but I'd like to be stuck between that Skippy-berger Sandwich...mmmm

The Steelers make their official entrance...and this guy was overwhelmed by the spirit to do the boot-scoot boogie...

Mr. Carter was overwhelmed by the spirit of the Troy and did his own version of River Dance.

For a while there, it didn't look too promising for us fans.

But Skippy nailed a few field goals and took our attention away from the rain.

MY husband, Danny, got an award at half-time to prove what a great imaginary-husband he's been to me.

Things got a little rough in the last half, and even The Bus couldn't look.

But the night fell upon the city, and the steel curtain fell upon the Panthers. Skippy won us the game.

Wednesday of a Thursday

2008-08-27T20:45:00.003-04:00

So the past few weeks have seemed like they were off by one day. They seem to be getting longer and longer, which would be great if it were the weekends that were increasing by a day and not the week-days.

So lately I've felt like it's Groundhog Day, but I hope I look a little better than Bill Murray.

"I don`t know much about show biz, Butter Bean...but it seems to me like all you gotta do is find the applause and go stand in front of it."

Whiskey Tango

2008-08-24T18:24:00.007-04:00

So today was my niece's third birthday. Awesome, right? It seems like only yesterday that I was holding her in my arms...fresh from the womb. Now she's running around the yard, hopped up on birthday cake squealing "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeessee!" Don't ask me... I think she dipped into some of the adults' drink barrels...

Oh, and then my bro-in-law's redneck family showed up. I mean, this was seriously like something out of Jerry Springer: The parents are disgustingly W.T. and his toothless older (33) brother showed up with his new baby and baby-momma (oh, and her 14 year old daughter...seriously, I thought the daughter was the baby momma at first). What's scary about the whole thing is not that he knocked up some equally nasty momma, but that he called his own brother from the hospital a couple of weeks ago to say "You're an Uncle." This wouldn't have been scary had my b-i-l KNOWN his brother got some girl pregnant. Seriously? Sing it with me now : "PATERNITY TEST!!!" Never mind, those people can't even spell paternity.

So amongst the 5 of them that showed up, they maybe had a full set of teeth. Maybe.

Anywho, so I thought I'd be nice, and introduced myself to the baby-momma's older baby and said "hi, I'm Scott." Could you believe the bitch had the nerve to give me the stink-eye and then GRUNT! I was all "no she di'nt" and told my sis what that "see you next tuesday" said to me. I mean, you don't come to a party UNINVITED and then have the nerve to be rude to the other guests. I had just been NICE to them and explained to them what all the catered food was (sis got mexican) when they were all, "umm..what's this??" I mean, even white trash eat at Taco Bell.

Me: "These are chicken burritos, those are beef burritos, these are refried beans, that's rice and that stuff is all for taco salad."
Them: "duhhhhhhhhh. Where's the Govmunt Cheez and Below-Knee? You mean no-one brought a jello mold or tuner-noodle cassy-roll with 'tater chips?"

That's the last time they get me being nice to them. They even sat on the total other end of the yard. I leaned in to my aunt and said, "who are the Hatfields and who are the McCoys?"

Good Eats

2008-08-16T20:25:00.002-04:00

After our debacle in Bellevue Thursday night, you'd think that I wouldn't want to go back. However, I did run back there tonight for my favorite restaurant in that town, Mojo Bistro.

The food is top-notch; I had a pecan crusted pork tenderloin grilled in hoisin sauce over sweet potato souffle with some sliced asparagus spears--delicious and totally nom-able. :)

The waiter, Sylvester, was also totally nom-able in his naive, friendly manner. He waited on me in February when I went last, but tonight was just mmmmm.

Here I Sit, Broken-hearted

2008-08-14T19:30:00.004-04:00

OMG! I decided to try out a different restaurant tonight. It's close to our house and friends said it was ok, so I thought "what the hell."

So I went to The Rusty Nail in Bellevue. BIG mistake. Huge.

I ordered what was supposed to be a "grilled chicken breast" according to the menu. It was the healthiest looking thing on the menu, so I thought I'd take the safe route. Everything else on the menu, chicken-wise, was listed as "breaded and fried."

Well, I realized when it came out that "grilled" apparently means "breaded and fried with extra butter." What I got was a pile of fried chicken covered in cheese and two strips of bacon; the oil oozed out of the breast when I cut into it and left a greasy mess on my plate.

The waitress said that the owner had made a mistake when he written "grilled." They took $5 off of the meal, but really should have written the whole thing off. I barely touched it. Oh, and their "buttered carrots" were dry and shriveled (obviously microwaved."

J's meal of crabcake (on top of breaded and fried chicken breast) tasted "funny" according to him.

I got stomach issues immediately after getting home...I'm still on the throne now. So please... save yourself the trouble unless you have a cast iron stomach and a death-wish.

Warning: Exercise is Harmful to Your Health

2008-08-11T23:44:00.003-04:00

So yesterday we decided to go for a bike ride around North Park. It's about a 45 minute ride with a couple of good hills, so I thought it would be a good cardio workout on such a lovely day. Little did I know that it would cause me a great deal of pain.

Now, it wasn't the bike ride itself that caused the pain...it was getting the bikes in and out of the back of the vehicle we took them to the park in. I was yanking the entangled bikes out of the back and I felt one of those little "uh oh" snaps. Not a pain per se, but anyone over 30 probably knows that feeling. It's that "oh boy, this is going to hurt in a day or two" indicator. Sure enough, last night I started to get this knot in my back right between my shoulder blade and my spine.

Today, I can't find a single comfortable position...even with prescription muscle relaxer and prescription analgesic pad on my back. Yeah, this sucks.

Unrelated, we saw this little guy at the Animal Rescue League. Please, someone in Pittsburgh take him home. The thought of the little fella being dropped off after 3 years and left for the unknown is tearing me up! I'm not in a position right now to take in a dog, but I can't believe someone would do that. His name is Tigger and he's soooo cuddly. He's about 2 times the size of a pomeranian and has the cutest little black nose and big sad eyes.

I would love to not work so I could stay at home and care for a ton of puppies, but I can't right now. Anyone wanna support the Scottie House Doggie Shelter? I'll start accepting donations.

**UPDATE** Tigger has been adopted. *whew*

Smile

2008-08-06T22:57:00.002-04:00

So I don't know why I like going to the dentist, aside from the fact that he has, on occasion, given me cake and cookies.

I had my regular cleaning today, and after being poked, prodded, x-rayed, scraped, and florinated I actually asked for more. Well, that's not entirely true.

The hygienist found what was thought to be a small cavity. I'd gone down this path before, so I said "is it really small." He said, "yes, but you need to get it filled." So I said, "ok, but no novacaine, I don't want to drool all evening, I have a meeting at 6:30." It turns out, after he started drilling that it was deeper than he thought. So about halfway through I raised my hand and said, "ok, time to numb me and while your at it, what can you do about my crooked tooth?"

So another half hour later and I had my cavity filled (minds out of the gutter...) and the crooked one was bonded into what looks like a perfectly straight tooth. Yey! Now my smile is pretty much symmetrical!

Now who else that you know would actually ask for work to be done?

Let's Get Political...

2008-08-06T13:32:00.001-04:00

...Or, I've changed my tune.

No, I haven't gone republican. I've just changed my tune on the other "candidate." I used to think she was full of hot air and was nothing but a dumb blonde (no, not Hillary), but I think she has come out with a smart energy plan and a rather intelligent response to the hate ads by the competition.

See you at the debates, bitches!

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Worst...Burger...Ever...

2008-08-01T21:05:00.004-04:00

So I went to Tessaro's tonight for "One of the Best Burgers in Pittsburgh." Color me un-impressed. The thing was clammy, greasy, flavorless, and the consistency of slightly decayed grey matter.

Seriously...Worst F'ing thing I've ever tasted that was made with ground meat...and I've had some nasty shit.

I asked the waitress about it...and she was all "Oh, that's weird..we don't use any oil or grease, it just goes straight on the grill. We don't put anything on it, not even salt." Well No F'ing Wonder! I'm sorry, but when you make a burger it better be more than a handful of sub-prime ground meat on the grill. There's got to be something in it to hold it together, and Salt and Pepper the damn thing. I'm not a big s'n'p kinda guy...I actually refuse to add seasoning to food at restaurants, because it should be seasoned properly to begin with.

Now, if it's a steak or some better cut of meat, then fine, it might be able to hold it's own. Actually, I get cranky when a waitress asks after I order a steak, "do you need steak sauce." My usual response is, "I should hope not!"

This shit was NASTEEEE. Nope, not eating there again.

Oh, and if you want claims for best burger in Pittsburgh I'd recommend maybe Bob's Garage in Blawnox, Lot 17 in Bloomfield (few doors down from Tessaro's), William Penn Tavern in Shadyside (I love it on the hoagie roll), or Cappy's in Shadyside.

So what do the 'Burghers out there think of the burgers out there? I'd like your opinions.

**UPDATE** Yes, Five Guys Burgers and Fries rocks! Thanks for reminding me buddy. :)

Stoner Cinema

2008-07-30T22:23:00.003-04:00

So tonight was a total stoner's dream...if only I were stoned.

I met up with a buddy quickly for a drink after work, and then it started pouring on the way across the river to get to the car, and I believe my taint was the only dry spot on me. Seriously? Torrential downpours? Seriously!? (That's not the stoner part)

Then we made a plan out of freebies and cheapies tonight. First we hit up ye old Cheesecake Factory. In honor of their 30th birthday, they were giving out cheesecake at 1978 prices. First of all, you had me at "cheesecake". Especially the Chocolate Tuxedo Cheesecake:

NOM!

Even more delicious was that all of the cheesecake was $1.50. The place was still packed 3 hours later when we left the Southside Works.

Then, we walked across the street to the movie theater to watch a free preview of Pineapple Express. This is the latest movie from the guys who brought you Knocked Up and Superbad. Basically it's a Cheech and Chong's / Wayne's World / Steven Segal inspired dope fest. The acting wasn't bad and the story not too full of holes. I think the best part was the cast: Seth Rogan, James Franco, Mr. Lumberg, Rosie Perez, and a couple of cameos including a foul-mouthed Ed Begley Jr.. Yeah, great cinema...if you are high as a kite (as most of the audience was). It did give me a good laugh, but I wouldn't pay to see it...definitely a rental.

General Silliness

2008-07-24T10:29:00.002-04:00

For K:

Sell-out:

Classic:

and a little Nnch for K:

Rest In Peace, Old Girl

2008-07-22T21:17:00.003-04:00

Some Sophiaisms:

I never have that problem! Never! I sleep like a log! I never have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning, like clockwork, at 7am - I pee. Unfortunately I don't wake up 'till 8.
Jean likes girls instead of boys - some people prefer cats instead of dogs. I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat.
Well, forgive me. But my arthritis is playing me up. My social security check was late. And I realized today I haven't showered with a man in twenty-two years!
I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy, where I come from you learn never to turn your back on family! NEVER! When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn their back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.
Picture this...

J. Crew

2008-07-21T20:17:00.002-04:00

So I posted a blog entry where I mention the J. Crew, and 24 hours later, someone from J. Crew is on my blog. What a coincidence. Now, I'm a stylish, young, gay man who would do wonders with marketing for J. Crew if only they would help to subsidize my clothing addiction.

Hell, I offer this up: If J. Crew were to provide me a wardrobe for one season, I'd wear nothing but J. Crew for that entire season. I'd even go one further and put shameless plugs in for their products in every entry.

Yeah, that's going to happen. :) A boy can dream, though.

Food For Thought

2008-07-21T16:10:00.000-04:00

This is just a totally self-indulgent pic of my breakfast from Saturday. Crepes ::drool::

Saturday night, after visiting with the family, I decided to test out changing my driving style to see how well I could do mileage-wise. I filled up the tank at my 'rents, then got on the highway and 60 miles home. I turned off the cruise control, changed how fast I accelerated, and then tried to coast down hills as much as I could. As a result, the car made record mileage (see below). This is the average for the entire trip home, which is pretty unbe-fuckme-lieveable. I'm rather impressed that Reba was able to rock out over 34, much less where she did end up. Good Girl!

Psychic Shopping

2008-07-20T21:14:00.002-04:00

I've determined that I have this Sixth Sense when it comes to shopping. Specifically as it pertains to shopping sales. So yesterday I was out at the outlet mall by my parents' house. I wasn't intending on making any major purchases, so I was just taking a leisurely stroll (read: sprinting; I don't stroll) around the mall. I was about to head into Eddie Bauer when my shopper's intuition said "turn right."

I looked to the right and saw J. Crew. Now, I only buy one thing at J. Crew: underwear. Reason being I can't justify spending my entire salary there, which is what I would do if I got in the habit of shopping there. I figured "what the hell," let me go look for some undies and see if they are on sale.

Well, I walked out of there with 3 shirts, shorts, and 3 pairs of undies for about $60. What a steal! Then I'm walking around and see Jimmy'z and think "I have to go in there." I ran in and walked out 5 minutes later with a pair of jeans for $12. Shopping intuition.

Tonight, after dinner, I took a nap and woke up with an urge that said, "Go to Borders." Never to resist a shopping urge, I headed over to Borders. Jackpot! They had the clearance bins out front with boxes of $3.99 books. I now have a pile of 5 books to read on the bus. Express Bus beware! I'm going to be giggling my way through some more Dan Savage an et al. whilst bouncing down the parkway.

Something...

2008-07-16T00:02:00.001-04:00

Congrats to the happy couple. I'm really happy for you guys ::hugs::

Speaking of Hugs, whatever happened to them? A friend offered a txt hug earlier, which is what I have to settle on. Not that the thought isn't there, but once upon a time I had friends that hugged all the time. I don't think I went more than a day without getting one. I need to get back to that...human contact.

Somewhere along the line messages have gotten crossed. I found out a couple of months ago that my co-workers were under the impression that I didn't like them (which I think stems from me being awkward about them). I had to dispel that rumor quickly. I love contact with people -- Maybe I should join a sports team so I can get a pat on the ass often. When I was growing up, hugs were few and far between. Maybe that's it. It all comes back to my parents. :)

If I'm just not myself these days. Maybe it's all the changes and shifts and running from coast to coast. Maybe it's the coming down from mega-overdose of Vitamin A that I was pumping into my body for 5 months. Maybe I'm just a 'tard. I can't sleep right. I can't eat right. and I just can't seem to focus.

Southernosity

2008-07-15T22:31:00.003-04:00

Oh, and just so you know, there are some southern sayings that I use from time to time. Apparently these amuse my Yankee friends, so I thought I'd list a few of my favorites here (and I do actually use some of these from time to time):

"so buck-toothed he could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence"
"nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs"
"slicker than snot on a doorknob"
"wheel's still turning, but the hamster's dead"
"busier than a cat coverin' crap on a marble floor"
"hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch"
"now we're cookin with Crisco"

and my favorite:

"well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"

Randomosity

2008-07-15T22:06:00.003-04:00

So I've been spending my free time either reading or playing with my wii. Fulfilling life, eh?

On the Wii, I've been playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl and Wii Fat...er...I mean Fit. Both of them have their advantages. Though the SSBB is showing me that my arthritis has, in fact, started in my hands. It's hereditary and there's nothing much I can do about it, but after about an hour smashing up the bad guys, my hands feel like that lady on those arthritis cream commercials. Pretty soon I'm going to need that electric jar opener.

The fat/fit on the other hand has been telling me that I'm getting healthier and healthier. It keeps giving me fun games to play (i.e. exercises) like Rhythm boxing and Balance Bubble. I love it's approach of making exercise a game, because that's the only way you can get me to commit to anything regularly. I've managed to lose 5 lbs on the damn thing in 2 weeks and am aiming for another 6-10 more. Woo Hoo!

As for reading, I've still been on my memoir kick. Not my memoir (I've not experienced enough), but those of a Drag Queen, Widow, Southern Belle, and Professional Homo. I also read some fluffy love-story that came out less than fluffy. I have another wonderful book to read that Miss Manda got me for x-mas, however, I need some fluff to surround it with. While she has fantastic taste in literature, this stuff is pretty deep and dark, and I like my brooding surrounded by funny stuff like hugs, drugs, and pugs.

Nostalgic Music

2008-07-13T12:28:00.003-04:00

It's sad to think the stuff I listened to as a child is now considered oldies. I mean, this was new-wave, punk, pop, disco, and the like. It was hip, fresh, cool and now it's just "Old."

So imagine my surprise when today, in Target, I hear two little voices singing...get this...Now these kids were maybe 4 and 6.."Video Killed the Radio Star." Now, I don't know if some kid's group did a cover of the Buggles, or what, but I was shocked. I didn't see them at first, but immediately thought "Are those John's? But then peaked out in the aisle and realized they weren't.

God that made me feel old.

Back to My Roots

2008-07-09T08:32:00.003-04:00

First of all, I have to admit, I listen to my iPod at an ear-shattering volume; I like my music LOUD.

Secondly, I like my music like I like my friends: Diverse. Hell, my music is my friend. There're my best friends, Tori, Cyndi, the Dixie Chicks, and the Beatles. Then there are the friends I call for when I'm in a certain mood, whether it be to Party, Sulk, Scream, Dance, Cry, or Wallow in Nostalgia.

So it's not uncommon for me to get giggles and looks from people on the bus as they hear the wide array of tunes screaming out from behind my earbuds. Today, I get on the elevator with a coworker, who I am not close to. Now, all of my coworkers know I'm gay, so it's not unreasonable to think they are going to have some preconceived notions as to what the gay boy listens to..you know, some Abba, Madonna, Culture Club, Cher or the like(I'm not saying those buddies aren't on my iPod, because they are).

I used to get a little miffed, however, when people don't think I listen to other stuff. Now I just revel in their confusion. So this girl, let's call her Dumb Blonde, looks at me quite peculiarly as she sees my head gently bobbing to "Free Bird," which I know was loud enough for people 3 floors away to hear. Ok, I'm a southern boy, and Skynard, like sweet tea and fried chicken, is a guilty pleasure for me.

I caught dumb blonde staring with a strange grin out of the corner of my eye and so I turned it up, smiled, and said "have a good day" as I stepped off of the elevator at my floor. I just know she's gonna tell the boys upstairs about that crazy guy downstairs.

Happy Birthday America!

2008-07-06T17:55:00.004-04:00

Friday, I celebrated the anniversary of this fat and wonderful country by consuming over-processed animal flesh (mmmmmm flesh...) and a 6-pack of Woodchuck Cider while watching the fireworks on TV with friends. Isn't that the epitome of the American Way? At least that's what WALL-E taught me last weekend.

Tonight, I'm watching one of my fav. movies, "Elizabethtown" while chowing down on various cheese procured at the Pennsylvania Macaroni Company; Stelvio, Tillamook, and English Malt Whisky Cheddar. My favorite has to be the Stelvio -- while it smells like moldy jockstrap, it tastes heaven; creamy, aromatic, soft, and absolutely delicious (just don't inhale before you put it in your mouth....my favorite type of cheese).

Oh, and in case I haven't mentioned it, my biggest weakness, food-wise, is dairy. Ice cream, milk, cheese, sour cream, and even cheese curd will make me cream my jeans. If there were no dairy in the world or Iwere, god-forbid (please genuflect, knock on wood, spit on the ground, or something), lactose-intolerant, I think I'd probably be one miserable Scottie.

My point, and I don't have one, is I have nothing better to write about on a Sunday evening.

...yeah, my thing too...

2008-07-02T16:42:00.002-04:00

Let's get pumped up

2008-07-02T09:55:00.004-04:00

So last night I stopped by ye olde Targét to see if, by chance, they had any Fits in. They didn't and the guy said that they probably wouldn't for another two weeks. I knew this was BS, but went about my shopping and went home.

Then last night, I did a search on the Targét site and found that the thing was no longer even showing as an item. Strange, huh?

So this morning, when my alarm went off, I woke up, checked my email, and then decided to check out the Targét site again. Bingo! "Available"

I showered, ironed, got ready for work, and zipped up to the store breaking every traffic law along the way. I figured, there was a line the past two times they had the damned things, so I was going to beat the line.

7:30am: Me, standing alone in front of Targét looking like a 'tard.
7:45am: Still alone, decide to call J and find out if the site is still saying available or maybe by some chance I was sleep-surfing and imagined it to be. Nope, still says available.
8:01am: Still alone, they open the store and I make a beeline for the back of the store.
8:01.30am: Standing in front of display, 3 wii fits in the case...Locked! I press the "help" button.
8:03am: Targét "team member" shows up and unlocks the case, "I didn't know we had these."
8:04am: Walk out with Wii Fit in hand, drop off at house, and then head to the bus stop.
8:45am: Standing in line at Starbucks waiting for a double-mocha.

Yeah, I'm a 'tard, but at least I have one now.

**THIS JUST IN**

Bee: "i want a wii so bad i can taste it =\"

Cartoon Heroes

2008-07-01T21:58:00.002-04:00

So Miss Manda and I have been on our Cartoon kick. We have this tradition that started years ago with Monsters Inc and a poopy diaper that we've yet to break. Any time a cutesy cartoon movie comes out that we want to see, we are drawn to it like Britney to losers.

This past month we saw both Kung Fu Panda and Wall-E. Both were good, though not my favorites by a long shot. Kung Fu was just fluff, where Wall-E was a serious social commentary masked as cartoon. I think Al Gore was the executive producer or something. It takes place 700 years from now on an earth that is covered with trash and no longer able to sustain life. People live on a giant cruise ship and are so fat and lazy that they can no longer walk. Sounds like a weekend at the Golden Corral, right?

Kung Fu Panda wasn't produced by Al Gore, he just looked like Al Gore. It had a great message that hasn't been overplayed or anything: "the magic is in you." Yeah, kind of predictable.

Sorry to sound cynical, but hardly any movies get me going any more. Maybe Mamma Mia will get me going again.

Ho-tel

2008-06-24T00:18:00.002-04:00

So I always have a hard time sleeping in a strange place for the first night or two. Tonight is no exception.

I'm in Chi-town for a conference and have found myself up late for the second night in a row. WTF is up with that? Craziness.

The conference is going well with lots of fun give-aways and training. I saw all of these vendors passing out tix to their "parties" tonight, but I just ignored them and went to dinner and for a walk with my co-worker. Then I come to find out, that the one party was entertained by none other than Maroon 5. FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!

Yeah, teach me to turn down an invitation to a party. Fuckers. So I'm stuck with a free Lionel Ritchie concert tomorrow night. Seriously? Seriously!

Wiiiiiii

2008-06-21T21:40:00.002-04:00

Ok, so after months of coveting my best friends wii (wait...um... nevermind), I bought my own.

Those things are harder to find than a virgin at spring break!

So Target was out (until tomorrow...). Did you know that Target holds on to them until they advertise them in the paper that they are going to have them? They do the same with the Wii Fit. They have them, but they are in the back until they can make a big event out of them. Bullshit I say!

Costco was out and gets them in sporadically. I thought, well, I can run and get one in the morning before I hop the old Southwest to Chi-town, or I can just wait until Costco has them (they had them a month ago, but I hadn't made up my mind yet). But then I thought, "I wonder if the evil empire has them?!" Wouldn't you know it, they had two! So, I went to the place that shall not be named and got mine.

It's not hooked up yet, but that's cuz I need some sleep tonight before running to Chicago. I'll keep you updated! :smooch:

Gay Brain

2008-06-18T12:14:00.004-04:00

A new study shows that there are differences between gay and straight brains. I began to wonder what this would look like and came up with the following illustration:

This is open to debate.

Happy Daddy Day

2008-06-15T22:05:00.001-04:00

What a friggin' day!

First I took daddy to one of his fav. restaurants, Bravo's. Aside from being a restaurant that is almost guaranteed to give me shits faster than a water fountain in Tijuana, I just don't like the place. But, being a good son, I made my reservations with a smile.

I'd bitch about it fully, but I'm tired. So lets just recap it in one bulleted list:

Tell people what you have canceled off of the menu when they get menus, not 20 minutes later when you decide to take their order
Hand a fruit-covered, overflowing sippy-cup of smoothy to a 3 year old? Brilliant waitress
Soup and Salad comes AFTER appetizer
Hair goes on the head, and not in toddler's strawberries
Chicken Marsala should be brown (not black) on outside and white (not red) on the inside

Thankfully none of this happened to Dad's meal, but my day sucked.

Then I went to J's mom's for Daddy's day with his step-dad. Both his mom and step-dad were three sheets to the wind. Reeeeeaaaaaallly fun. Well, some parts were; the discussions around boobs, bunny mating, and the boys' pooping habits were my personal favorites.

Now I have to go to bed in less than an hour only to get up and go to work. Really f'ing brilliant.

P.S. Just because I'm gay, does NOT mean I'm watching the Tony's.

Wiiiiii

2008-06-13T23:23:00.003-04:00

...Or, I thought video games made you fat?

My bestest buddy and his boy bought Wii Fit today for their Nintendo Wii.

For those of you who aren't familiar, the Wii is a video game that actually requires physical exertion and tracks your body movements (particularly your hands). It can be quite a work out if you manage to avoid throwing the controller through the TV. It also has these little "Wii Mii's" which are built to look like you while playing games.

Anywho, the Wii Fit incorporates this gizmo that looks like a scale (yes, the devil's invention). So you have to pick your Wii Mii from the system and bring it into the game...then it does the unthinkable. It weighs you and checks your balance. Now mind you, I was 3 pieces of pizza and 3 margaritas into the night before I tried this, so I was bloated from the salt and a bit tipsy. Well, I got on the torture device and it surprisingly said that my Body Mass Index (BMI) was in the normal range. Woo hoo! It also said my weight was fine. Good, right?

However, the thing then, based on my balance, said that I had a physical age 8 years older than the actual. Now, let me just say, I wish I could program into the damn thing that I have horrible knees and therefore don't put much weight on the really bad one (left) causing my body to be out of balance. Oh well, what harm can this thing do, right? Right Guys? Guys?

Oh well. Well, this thing then decided to send me some interesting classes for balance such as Yoga, Skiing, and Walking a tight rope between two buildings while pigeons *shudder* and a giant clamping trap come at you. Who thought this fucking thing up as fitness? Remo Williams? Fuckers! The game actually makes you walk the tight rope and then jump over the clamp thing. What happens if you miss? You fall screaming and flailing down between the buildings and out of sight. Bit gruesome perhaps? It even has an option where you can just jump off the building.

What is this? The Wii-emo? Anywho, I'm just happy that it didn't change the shape fo my Wii Mii based upon my weight. B. was bitching about it giving him hips now. I was like "the Wii didn't give you hips, it just shows what you already have."

No hiding behind the wee.

Boogie Wonderland

2008-06-11T21:54:00.002-04:00

So I haven't written in a while. Let me see... I have done abso-fuckin-lutely nothing productive since we talked last.

My regular "shows" are done for the season, so I'm catching up on the summer seasons of "Hell's Kitchen" and "So You Think You Can Shake Your Booty Like an Epileptic Hooker Having a Seizure." As for the rest of what's on tv? I'd rather eat my own flesh until I disappear.

Other than television, I've been catching up on some work with my non-profit, doing some work for work, and diddling myself into blindness.

Speaking of which, is it bad that I heard a commercial for End Blindness and got enraged for a moment? How dare those Fundamentalist Christians invade my hobbies?! Then I realized it wasn't some "Save the Family" offshoot site, and was cool with it.

Doesn't take much to get me worked up these days, though the mood swings from my meds seem to be fewer and further between. I guess that's a good thing, but it makes for less exciting blogging.

Blog Fodder ... er.. blodder?

2008-06-01T09:27:00.005-04:00

So I was bored today and thought maybe I would just pop up some little facts about this blog-thingie/phenomenon (kind of like pop-up video.) Plus I'm all about the unordered lists lately.

Visitors
I have my usual band of buddies, but I've been noticing over the past few weeks the following frequent flyers:

Verizon viewer galavanting all over the MD, PA, and VA region
Dude or Dudette in Phoenix (assuming I picked them up while on vacation last year)

Howdy folks, welcome, and please come again.

Search Engine
Some facts about you people's searching habits:

I am #3 on google for 80's slogans (Sweet!)
I am #1 on google for "creamy chocolate sensation" for the same posting (Sweet, yet disturbing, I hope y'all were looking for the real chocolate)
Some other popular search words: "the, scott, patrick (is there any other), monkey (love the monkey), burn, almond, torte (yeah baby!), evil, closet (redundant)" and a bunch of others.

Stupid C*nt

2008-05-29T18:31:00.006-04:00

ALERT!

Michelle Malkin has now been added to my "Stupid C*nt" list!

STUPID C*NTS

Ann Coulter (no explanation needed)
Kandiss Crone (for indecent media exposure)
Mrs. Cardille (my high school history teacher...what a c*nt)
Anita Bryant (Once a twat, always a twat. ref: Santorum)
Laura Schlessinger (ah-ha! )
George W. Bush (he's even named after one)
Linda Tripp (Ugly C*nt)
Michelle Malkin

Sorry if I'm missing some..but I know they will come to me.

Oops..forgot this Stupid C*nt:

Sally Kern (Thanks for the reminder from your recently un-updated site ;-) :smooch:)

Photo Tour of Vacation

2008-05-27T22:23:00.007-04:00

Ft. Lauderdale Beach from hotel.

Same Scene as above, but at night.

Found Nemo off of Pompano Beach

Whitney (aka Champagne Bordeaux) waited on us for dinner.

Taino Beach, Grand Bahama Island

Being lazy in the Bahamas

Sunset over the Ocean on the Discovery Sun

Almost full moon over the Sun Deck of the Discovery Sun

Big Momma, Everglades

Ft. Lauderdale

Full Moon on Ocean Sky Resort

Hollywood Beach

Back

2008-05-23T22:26:00.004-04:00

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things having returned from 90-something weather to 50-something weather, so I will just throw out some random shit to keep y'all for now.

Observations on Vacation:

Floridians cannot drive -- It's called a TURN-SIGNAL people! USE IT!
Jersey into Florida ≠ Classy -- Some woman got totally ripped apart by yours truly for abusing our waitress. The conversation went something like:
Bitch: This bread is HORRIBLE and DISGUSTING! Take it off our bill and OFF the MENU! (a) bread was delicious, b) the nasal Jersey accent is not pleasant at any hour)

Bitch: What is this crap? I ordered the Mahi sandwich!
Waitress: You ordered the Mahi...you didn't say sandwich.
Bitch: Take this back and get me what I wanted! (yah, I heard her order.. she said "I'll have the Mahi" dumb bitch)

Bitch: What is this ON (stress nasality of voice)??? Get me a real bun! Gawd! (um, yeah, the bread was a beautiful crusty hoagie roll that looked delicous)

So waitress brings out a hamburger bun...
Bitch: What? This bun isn't TOASTED! How do you expect me to eat this???

The rest goes much like this:

Scottie (walks over to Bitch's table): Excuse me, ma'am. We're sitting at that table way over there having a fabulous meal.
Bitch: Yah So??? (Janice from Friends wasn't this nasal)
Scottie: Well, your attitude towards the waitress, who has the patience of a saint, is ruining our meal.
Bitch: Mind your own business!
Scottie: It's kind of hard when your voice is piercing through the air 10 feet away and making it our business.
Bitch: Mind your own business!
Scottie: Are you from Jersey???
Bitch: Mind your business. I LIVE Here! (with Jersey accent)
Scottie: Fuckin' Jersey (turns and walks away)

Oh, and Bitch got up and left...and waitress thanked me profusely.
Mental Note: I don't want to see another Bahama Mama after our Bahamian cruise
Mental Note #2: When ancient hobbit of a man is wearing a speedo, don't look up as he bends over to rinse his scuba equipment, and thus expose his old balls to yours truly
Open Letter to Fort Lauderdale: Dear Sirs: There is such a thing as free parking, Lycra is not intended for exterior-facing clothes, Rename your roads.
To Pittsburgh: Please take note of Florida's climate, and try doing that.
Northwest Airlines is Ghetto, Filthy, and Annoying; please don't tell me that there is a malfunctioning error light and that's why we are going to go back to the gate and sit on the plane for the next hour while some schmuck in a maintenance uniform checks it out
If I EVER get my hands on those assholes who had to get off the plane in Detroit even after being asked to wait for those of us with very short connections, I will hurt you. You are evil and you must be destroyed. (We JUST made our connection, because the next pilot decided to wait 10 minutes for us to get there.)

Ok, that's it for now. Toodles all!

F'ing Jersey

2008-05-17T11:24:00.002-04:00

The Customer Service desk says we are leaving at 1, but the screen says 2. WHICH ONE?!

OH, and WiFi isn't free here so I'm blogging via cell. WTF is that? Even Pittsburgh has free WiFi now.

F'ing Jersey.

**Update: Arrived safely and ON TIME in Fort Lauderdale**

My feetz, R @ UR oshuns

Fuuuuuuuu....

2008-05-17T08:01:00.002-04:00

Ok, so we all know Scottie hates to fly, right? It's one of those unwritten rules.

So, imagine my surprise when I look out and see this:

Um... Yeah

2008-05-16T20:59:00.003-04:00

So in less than 12 hours, I'll be flying (once again) heading for Jersey (or, as Ly would call it "Fucking Jersey"). Actually, Jersey is not my destination...I'm making the long-awaited trip to Fort Lauderdale. Woo hoo!

In anticipation of this trip, I decided that I wouldn't be pasty on my first day at the beach; I was going to get a fake bake. Now, you can't possibly get a tan in less than 48 hours in a tanning bed, so I stopped at the Body Shop because they always have had decent sunless tanners. I bought one for my face and one for my body (you know, cuz the body one will clog the pores, and you can't possibly walk out of the body shop paying less than $40.)

Anywho, I got this shit home and (with some help) rubbed it all over. It stunk like cocoa butter that had been lathered on a dead skunk and left in the sun to rot, but those are the dues one must pay to look fabulous. So later last night, I started feeling some stinging around the eye and mouth areas. I thought "this ain't right!" and decided today that I should take it back, lest I desire to look like a bronzed puffer-fish.

On the way to take it back, I stopped at a gym and asked about a spray-on tan. The lady said it would work well for me and I shouldn't have any problems. Plus she showed me her tan arms and I was sold. I paid my $20 and then followed her down a corridor with signs such as "Bahama," "Hawaii," and "Caymen" outside of each door. I thought to myself "How Festive!" and then was lead into a room that looked like a cross between a french bistro and a Star Trek set. There was granite, copper, and tile everywhere, and a little half-naked statuette holding a box of Kleenex (I didn't say it was CLASSY french bistro), and then right smack in the middle was this giant metal and glass thing. I can only describe it as a thing...It just was. It was like one of those tubes at the drive through bank teller. I thought I was going to hop in and be beamed off!

The lady told me about the steps to get ready: shower cap, cotton balls, Secret spray-on deodorant (for the hands and feet..don't ask me, I only tell the stories), and I was set! There were diagrams on the machine which told me to stand with my arms out yet relaxed in a sumo squat, and then to start lifting one leg at a time high in the air while the opposite arm raised and lowered. I was to do this in 2 rotations around the booth whilst holding my breath and keeping my eyes closed. Oh yeah, and I had to do these steps and rotations within 6 seconds folks! Six SECONDS.

So I was left alone in this room, naked, cold, with shower cap and cotton balls and I thought, "don't do a Ross(see below)."

I pressed the button, hopped in the machine before the 15-second lead time was up, and then took a deep breath while I assumed sumo position. I stood waiting for a bit and thought, "is it 15 Mississippi?" and waited longer. Then I realized that the thing on the wall wasn't even blinking, so I jumped out quickly and tried pushing the button again. Then I ran back in just before the spray started.

Now folks, I am SO glad there wasn't a camera in this room (that I'm aware of), because what happened next can only be described as either a naked Apache War Dance or an orangutan on speed. I danced around in that thing like my ass was on fire. Legs arms and testicles were flying through the air...It can't have been pretty.

Then, after 6 seconds, I let out a breath and then jumped out of the booth. I finished up with the required rubbing of the brown streaky shit all over my body and then toweling it off of said brown shit. I was then to wait 4 hours to see a results.

I saw results all right! I only had a few streaky spots, but those have been toned down with some aggressively-applied moisturize (I rubbed out the spots). Otherwise, it doesn't look bad. I shouldn't be too pasty on the beach.

Happy Happy, Mum.

2008-05-11T20:10:00.003-04:00

This is to the mom's out there. I showed it to my mom last night and she laughed so hard she almost peed herself (she even said so).

Well, I guess it's so funny, because it's true...she does say this shit to me...and I do hate fish. When I first saw it, I said that the only thing it's missing is "but you used to like fish." When mom saw it, she said "but you used to like fish."

Fun shit...at least for me. So Happy Happy Mother's Day, Mums!

as if

2008-05-08T21:50:00.002-04:00

So there was just a commercial on for some debit card or something where these people are at a theater. They are purchasing tickets and the movie is supposed to start at 9. They look up at a clock that says 8:59, and then everyone frantically runs through the place trying to get their 10$ hotdogs and 20$ snowcaps. Then as the clock hits 9, they are flying into the theater doors.

Ok, so I'd like to know in what land of make-believe does a movie start on time? You KNOW there's going to be 4 commercials (including one for the marines), 5 previews, and some cutesy skit about turning off your cell phone.

Back

2008-05-03T22:35:00.004-04:00

...Or, What the fuck is all of this weather shit?

The Gay Saint

2008-04-28T09:43:00.001-04:00

...Or, 36,000 feet over the earth.

The flight to Cincinnati was fairly uneventful. I sat behind Mr. Clean (aka the Whiner), who decided to bitch about everything "Oh, nice of Delta to clean their seats between flights," "There's too much turbulence," "I don't like your beverage selection," and so on. I looked at the guy next to me and rolled my eyes, who laughed knowingly. Little did I know at the time that they were co-workers on a business trip together. Oops!

So Cincinnati was a fun airport. I had to go from one end of the airport to the other over the course of a 40 minute lay-over. I stopped at chic-fil-a on the way there only to find that my departure gate had been moved....back to the gate beside the one that I started off at. Yeah, I got my exercise.

Now I'm on the second leg of my flight and managed to luck out by having an empty seat beside me. I'm very thankful for that, because the video screen in front of my seat doesn't work, so I'm using the one next to me.

I passed over Santa Fe (The Gay Saint, in the words of Harvey Fierstien) at the beginning of this posting and am now directly over Albuquerque -- according to the iXplor in-flight information system. I'll be passing Sedona soon, so I'll be sure to wave when I get there.

PS: Here's a random Nom that I found on the beach...NOM NOM NOM!

Now Boarding

2008-04-28T07:09:00.000-04:00

In case I've neglected to mention it, I loathe flying. Being trapped in a pressurized tube in a 17" wide seat while being hurled through the air with 120 strangers is just not how I like to spend my day. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy watching the random idiots at the airport.

There is the seasoned business traveler, the new mom trying to figure out how she's going to survive the next 6 hours without drowning her baby in the blue water of the airplane lavatory, the slightly grungy-looking middle eastern guy at whom everyone is staring, and of course the 90 year old woman who insists on repeating each airport announcement as if she's committing it to memory. Fun stuff people!

"Barely awake gen y'er clutching mobile device and bottle of water..." Oops that's me. Later!

Under the Covers

2008-04-26T22:47:00.005-04:00

...or maybe not.

I know this isn't new, but this cover really knocks me out. Love it.

If only she'd clean her act up, so that she can release some more kick-ass songs (even covers). Let's keep our fingers crossed.

I love that Tori can take an unintelligeble Neil Young song and make it sound good:

I Voted

2008-04-22T07:33:00.004-04:00

...and I didn't even get a lousy sticker!

So I did my thing this morning and got up early to go vote. Yey me! :)

I have to admit that, up until I woke up this morning, I didn't know who the hell to vote for. The candidates have me mixed on so many different issues and their latest run of ads has really pissed me off. I mean seriously, don't take away my fun viagra and women peeing on sticks commercials so that I can hear that "he said, she said" crap!

Anywho, I got up, went to the convent that I have to vote at. This was the highlight of my voter experience. Honestly. Standing in line, waiting for 10 nuns to get the lead out and vote. I almost wanted to smack their wrists with a ruler and say "you're doing it wrong! go faster! don't vote republican!" If I knew that I wouldn't get decked by the 90-year-old crypt-keepers running the show, I would have taken a pictuer. That way, you too can have the visual of 6 electronic voting machines with 6 little habits barely clearing the top. It was like "Happy Feet XXI: Mumbles goes to Shady Pines."

Snark

2008-04-20T08:06:00.003-04:00

...Or, "And now back to our regularly scheduled program..."

So we've had enough bunny fever for the past couple of weeks. The little guys have left the nest, and though I did see one little bun-bun yesterday, they are on their own.

I took Friday off to use up vacation days so I don't lose them (since I work in the insane world of education, our year started on July 1). I don't know how I'm going to cram all of this time off over the next 2.5 months, considering: a) I'm flying to San Diego in a little over a week for work, b) I have that vacation to Florida next month, and c) I've got to fly to Chicago in June for a conference. I have a total of 4 out-of-state trips planned this year -- Not bad for someone who loathes flying.

Anywho, So I'm off, right? Well, I decided to gussy up my car (did I actually just use that phrase) with a wash and a wax (so now it's raining) and then go for a drive.

I was driving down the road at a reasonable speed, and by reasonable I mean less than 10 over the Suggested Speed sign said, when this crazy-ass bitch tries to kill me. So I'm driving, right, and this crazy Soccer Mom with over-processed hair pulls right out in front of me. I slammed on my brakes (thank god for anti-lock brakes), and just barely miss her. I laid on my horn, and proceeded to give her the universal gesture for "you really upset me, you twat." She then starts that "waving arms in air like a frantic woman knee-deep in clearance purses at Filene's Basement and can't seem to find her own" gesture, which always pisses me off worse.

Then I noticed that she had one of those DARE license plates and a car full of little girls. And I thought "Awww yeahhh. Ammunition!" as I pulled alongside at the next light.

She tried to cut me off with "I didn't SEEEEE you!" (almost as bad as the "I didn't MEAAAAN to!" lady). I then screamed back "I wouldn't worry about your little girls going on drugs, your driving's going to kill 'em." To that, she was stunned speechless...and I drove along on my merry way, feeling vindicated.

this may be the end

2008-04-16T21:02:00.003-04:00

...Born Free, as free as the wind blows

My babies have grown so fast. It seems like only last week...err...wait... nevermind.

Here was Monday:

Then they went nutso and ran all over the place while we chased them across three yards. Crazy little buggers.

I left them alone yesterday so that they could have a little reprieve from the scary scott-monster, but today I took a peak in their little hole(shut up ladies, I don't need to know about your little holes) and they were quite well. This time they all went running off to the woods to hide.

My babies are all grown up!

In case you were wondering...

2008-04-13T22:45:00.002-04:00

My babies are really looking like bunnies now, and are quite soft and cuddly!

And this is the runt! The biggest one is about half again as big. They are so cute, it reminds me of when we hatched chickens in elementary school science class.

Jeanetic Disorders

2008-04-11T22:02:00.007-04:00

...Or, that's what I get for trying to be healthy.

So now that I've lost about 35 lbs, I no longer fit into half of my clothes. My shirts are too big in the middle and my jeans fall off of my ass.

Let me back (that ass) up a bit to explain... I've always had a butt. My mom has a bubble butt, her mom has a bubble butt and so on. I inherited the family trunk, and was actually very happy about that fact. So when I first start gain weight, I get a thin layer of padding all over that is not noticeable. After a few more poundsthe ass is really the first thingto show.

Now that my ass has shrunk it appears to be flattening out to the sides. Fun, huh?

Jeans are the worst thing to try to find once you've lost/gained weight. Either they a) fit in the waist, and then go up your ass b) fit in the ass, but are too big in the waist, c) fit in the ass and waist, but squeeze your thighs like a boa constrictor, or d) fit in your waist, but then your ass sags and you have holster hips. Trust me...I know.

Last weekend, I went through about 7 pair of Levis, none of which actually fit. What's amazing is that apparently 32" is not always 32". There must be about 100 different measuring standards at the Levi factory. It's not like women's clothes where a 2 is not always a 2 and there is no strict standard, but when I see 32"x34", I expect that. Not 29"x36" or 33"x29" (I swear to god one pair of 32"s couldn't make it past my knees!

So after being thoroughly disgusted with Levi's, tonight I tried on 10 pair of jeans. This is after having gotten disgusted at my fourth pair last weekend. I went online to True Jeans last night to fill in my measurements and shape until it came up with some jean styles that might fit. I think the cheapest was $150. Homie don't buy no $150 jeans. Got it? Ok.

What Homie does buy is almost $200 jeans that are marked down to $60 in the wasteland that is Filene's Basement.

First I tried on a few pair of 7 jeans that were marked down from $300 to $100. Then I tried on DKNY...let me pause to state that Donna Karan is an evil cunt who thinks all people should be shaped like stick insects... Then I tried on 3 pair of Chip and Pepper jeans that were getting closer to my size. I was beginning to sound like a Fergie song..."They say they love my ass in Seven Jeans, True religion..."

One was very close, but a bit too snug in the thighs for me. Finally, I reached my jackpot, and at around 70% off, who was I to argue?

Bunnymomma

2008-04-10T23:09:00.007-04:00

*Update*

Babies are alive and well. Here's a pic of them from tonight after work:

I still don't know how many there are. I've been checking them usually in the morning before work, but they seem to be taken care of. We saw mom Tuesday night, but tonight we got a much better view of her.

She came in and spent about a half hour, 20 minutes scouting out the area and 10 minutes caring for the little ones. She seems to be quite patient, yet a bit apprehensive. I don't blame her considering she's got the entire litter practically out in the open. They are just about 2 feet off of our patio.

You can see below her scoping out the situation and then moving in and feeding the babies. She then cleaned them up, put them to bed, covered them back up, and then ran off in a flash. She didn't seem to mind us watching. We just turned off the lights and sat pretty still until she left. Good Babymomma!

Who needs the Discovery Channel?

New Neighbors

2008-04-06T15:47:00.002-04:00

...Or, Look what we found in the back yard!

We were careful not to touch or disturb them, though I read that their mothers aren't bothered by other scents. So, we'll just leave them be for a bit and see how they progress. Definitely made for a nice happy today.

Vacay Planning Pt. II

2008-04-05T23:54:00.002-04:00

...Or, the Roaming Gnome is an obnoxious indian named "Joshua"

As we worked through plans for vacation, we found that there was less and less appealing about the Clearwater area than other areas of the state. We looked around and found that maybe Fort Lauderdale was more our speed.

So the past couple of nights we've been researching hotels, flights, and assorted activities in the Ft. L. area. We decided, what the hell, let's go there!

We did research on several hotels around the area and found one that seemed to pass a few tests from customers (oh, and those people that bitch about a 1$ rental safe...stfua!). After finding this hotel, we searched every friggin' travel site known to man: Priceline, Travelocity, Orbitz, Hotels.com, Kayak, otels, Expedia, Hotwire and Cheap Tickets. Priceline is my personal favorite as I have only had one dud out of about 10 different hotels and have stayed at Embassy Suites, Marriott, and Sheratons for all less than 45$ a night. However, Priceline didn't have this hotel in an option where we could see if the room had an ocean view, and seeing that we are going there for the ocean, that seemed important.

So we went for the gnome. They had the room and flights at the lowest price, so last night around midnight, we narrowed it down and started to book the flight. After going through a 10 minute process of picking days, number of visitors, city, hotel, airline, flight, room type, which seats we were going to get on the plane, and signing up for an account, we clicked to "confirm this reservation" and got a "this room is no longer available" message.

WTF??? So I went back to the site and saw that it was still listed, so we tried the entire process again (you have to start from the beginning each time). This time, when we got to the end, there was an error message. We did this about 5 times before 2 a.m., at which point I picked up the phone and was greeted by Joshua from Travelocity in Mumbai. He told me that there was no problem with the system and that it was user error. I fought with for a while and he said that if he booked it, it would cost 50$ MORE! So I argued until he agreed to try to do the online reservation with me. I mean, why charge ME because your system doesn't work.

We went through the 10 minute procedure and this time he and I both had computer errors simultaneously. He then said "my manager can book it for you and we will waive half of the fee." After being placed on hold for 15 minutes, he came back and said "the system is being updated right now, check back in the morning..oh and here's a code for 50$ off."

I got up this morning at 9 and tried booking online. Went through the entire process twice and got an error both times. Then I called Travelindia and found an American woman who was nice, but once her computer gave her the same error, she placed me on hold and disconnected me.

I got pissed, tried again with just the hotel this time and guess what??? It didn't work again after going through the whole thing. So, irritated, I called the hotel and found that there were "plenty of those rooms available" by a very nice man named Miles. At that, I called Travel-india and got Ralph, or Joseph, or Herbert and was told that it was my problem. I then demanded a US native and got transferred.

While on hold, I got a beep on the other line from Citibank who was confirming 5 charges for the hotel! I said "NO!" and then got my American Idiot. The American was this snotty bastard who told me he didn't see a problem. He called visa and had the 5 charges deauthorized, but then took 20 minutes to help me get the room. But did he get the room? No...there are no rooms available to them. When asked what he could do to assist me with the now 6 hours I'd spent doing the booking, he said "All I can do is say 'I'm Sorry!'."

Fuckers! Yeah, you're sorry. I was so fed up that I called a travel agent. Got a room up the road, of comparable style and quality and right on the beach. We even got the same exact flights we were getting online. The woman there was extremely nice, so when she told me that she got me all of this for $130 less than travelocity, well, I could have kissed her.

So the room is booked, we are on our way in May, and I had to go Old Skool to do it!

So guess who's not going to be playing with the Traveling Gnome? Sheesh!

Vacay Planning

2008-04-01T20:55:00.003-04:00

So this year, we're having a bit of trouble planning our vacation. If you were around for it, Last Year was a blast. We had a friend to visit who was able to point us to various fun places.

This year, we're looking to Florida for fun, but it's kind of like pin the hotel on the beachfront. Granted, the state looks like a penis, that's not the reason we're going. I really just want some sun in my face, cool breeze on my skin, and sand in my ass-crack.

So, Florida, right? Well, it's a BIG f'ing state and there are a LOT of beaches. So how to narrow it down? Well, I want blue water (I used to live on the Atlantic, and don't want that stinky brown shit). I want fun mixed with relaxation. That leaves us with about half of the state.

So far, I'm narrowing in on the area between St. Pete's and Clearwater. I have NO clue what to do once we get there. I'd like to do some sight-seeing, swimming, drinking, eating, maybe play with dolphins or manatees, and take in some local flavor (keep your minds out of the gutter...it's already occupied by mine.)

Any suggestions? Recommendations? References? Smart-ass remarks?

Rubix Cubes

2008-03-27T20:59:00.002-04:00

Because I was asked to give an update on the office situation, I'm posting the 7 variations of the small area of the office where I reside that have happened over the past 2.5 years. Dizzying, isn't it?

Oh, and the bottom edge of the picture is all windows.

It's no wonder people are always reposting their resumes!