Spark

The winter has been rather cruel to my family. One of my dearest friends as well as a close family friend both lost a chance at bringing life into this world.

At first, I couldn't begin to express how I bad I felt for them both. I was at a loss for words, but as time goes by feelings change. Now I'm just angry. I see these horrible parents who abuse, neglect, and otherwise poorly raise their children and I think, "Why the fuck are these schmucks allowed to have children? Why is it that my friends had to suffer? What is wrong with this world?"

I now have a deeper understanding of Tori Amos's "From the Choirgirl Hotel." For those of you who aren't Toriphile's, the CD is heavily influenced by her miscarriage. There are several songs that deal with the different feelings surrounding that point in her life.

So, I suppose I will just offer them up to anyone who's ever lost or felt barren:

Powerlessness:
"She's convinced she could hold back a glacier
But she couldn't keep Baby alive
Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
Here

You say you don't want it
again and again
but you don't really mean it...

How may fates turn around in the overtime
Ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find
You thought that you were the bomb yeah
Well so did I..."

Guilt:
"I can be cruel
I don't know why
why can't my ba.ll.oo.n stay up in a perfectly windy sky
I can be cruel I don't know why"

Acceptance:
"well I know we're dying
and there's no sign of a parachute
in this chapel little chapel of love
can't we get a little grace
and some elegance
no we scream in cathedrals
why can't it be beautiful
why does there gotta be a sacrifice"

Rejection:
"In my platforms I hit the floor
fell face down
didn't help my brain out
then the baby came before I found
the magic how to keep her happy
I never was the fantasy
of what you want wanted me to be

Don't judge me so harsh little girl
so you got a playboy mommy
but when you tell em my name
and you want to cross that Bridge all on your own
little girl they'll do you no harm
cause they know your playboy mommy
but when you tell em my name
from here to Birmingham
I got a few friends

I never was there was there when it counts
I get my way
you're so like me
you seemed ashamed
ashamed that I was
a good friend of American soldiers
I'll say it loud here by your grave
those angels can't ever take my place

somewhere where the orchids grow
I can't find those church bells
that played when you died
played Gloria
talkin' 'bout Hosanah

don't judge me so harsh little girl
you got a playboy mommy, come home
but when you tell them soldiers my name
cross that Bridge all on your own
little girl they'll do you no harm
they know your playboy mommy
but I'll be home
I'll be home to take you in my arms"

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