Toilet Humor

Tonight we made a trip to Dave & Busters for dinner. I think that is where my evening's fireworks began.

Nick, our tall, ugly, and nasty waiter, left much to be desired. The meal itself was fairly insignificant...or so I thought. I had a spinach salad with pecans, bacon, grilled chicken, and honey mustard dressing.

Flash forward, about an hour later -- I'm riding in the car on the way home and suddenly, the earth moves inside my belly. Have you ever had one of those moment where, instantly, you feel as if your entire intestines are going to shoot out of your ass unless you use every muscle between your knees and your armpits to hold it in. I felt as if I had a baby humpback whale that was about to explode through my newly developed womb.

I broke into a sweat and said "how fast can we get home?" Fast wasn't soon enough. There was no religion to good for me. "Please God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah, Melekh, Niamh, or Vulcan, Let me get to the bathroom before something bad happens."

I ran into the house, threw myself on the throne, and let loose. My water broke and I delivered that baby. I f'ing exploded. It was so powerful, I thought I was going to drop my spleen.

Afterwards, I felt the need to shower. It was as if no amount of wiping could make me feel clean again.

I had been raped by my dinner. Or maybe I'm melodramatic over shit.

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