Treatment Effects

...Or, "I'm going to shit RIGHT NOW!!!" -Margaret Cho

So I've been seeing these ads for alli, the new FDA-approved weight loss pill. I thought I'd visit their site to see what it's all about.

Of course, all of my interest focused on what they call "treatment effects." Here are some of the highlights and suggestions:

• gas with oily spotting


• more frequent stools that may be hard to control


• excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza


• You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work


• You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

After I got done laughing my ass off, I thought, "Well, I guess I've learned a few things."
If you want to lose weight:

• you might just become incontinent


• you will no longer be allowed to "sneak one out" on the bus


• you may have to blot the pizza grease off of your ass with a napkin


• think Maxi-Pads with Wings


• every time you so much as hear the word "KFC," you will shit your pants

Labels: observations

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