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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Dear Scottie Pt II

This might become a regular thing (weekly/monthly).

Dear Scottie,

I'm a young, attractive, well endowed man but every guy I go on a date with falls in love with me and wants to move in and pick out curtains, when I'm just lookin' for a little strange, know what I mean? Don't get me wrong it's great being sexy, virile and completely irresistible but I guess my mesmerizing charms are just to powerful. Oh sure I could be a hooker and get paid to have empty casual encounters but I'm looking for a little bit more, not much more, just kinky sex. How can I have dinner, a date and meaningless sex without any strings attached or gnawing my arm off the next morning?

Always the bride
Never the bridesmaid...

Dear Bride,

Boo-Fuckin-Hoo! There are lots of sites to hook up through, just make sure you tell everyone exactly what you are interested in. But, in order to truly comment on your endowment, sexiness, and virility, I'm going to needs pictures and possibly video.

Dear Scottie,

Why are all my gay friends obsessed with my boobs?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Let us clear this up right now. Gay men love boobs because their gayness is caused by a lack of exposure to milk wagons in infancy. Seriously though, Gay men love tits. They aren't called fun-bags for nothing.

I used to use my friend Mandy's EE's as pillows (Everybody needs a Bosom for a Pillow) whilst drunk. My friend Carol has pierced jugs that were fun to play with while drunk. My friend Angie used to let me hold myself up on her hooters whilst drunk. Wait..I'm sensing a pattern here...Maybe I don't need knockers; just rehab.

If you love your gay friends, do not deny them the breastices. Instead, hand them another drink and grab them by the testicles or buttocks. Come to think of it, most of my women friends love grabbing my butt. Related? Mayhaps.

In other words: Celebrate your boobies. Share your ta-tas with those that worship them. Do not deny your mo's the bazongas.

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8 comments from the peanut gallery ·

8 Comments:

At 9/12/2007 5:33 PM, Blogger honeykbee's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

WAhhhhh I have too much sex, too many men want me, and my boobs are too big, wahhhhhhhh

What's next weeks installment? My ass is too small!?

 
At 9/12/2007 9:13 PM, Blogger ayeM8y's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

"This might become a regular thing (weekly/monthly)."

How about daily?

 
At 9/12/2007 9:15 PM, Blogger Scottie's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Don't press you luck! :) It will have to depend on what piques my curiousity

 
At 9/13/2007 2:05 AM, Blogger naechstehaltestelle's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Hooray, I now have colloquialisms for boobs to last the whole day!

 
At 9/13/2007 9:08 AM, Blogger mineIsay's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Dear Scottie,

I don't know what to do. I have huge ninnies and my ass is too sm..

oh, wait. sorry.

 
At 9/14/2007 10:41 PM, Blogger Nate's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Baaaahahhahahhaha

For some reason I just invisioned you having an all-out brawl with Ann Landers...

 
At 9/15/2007 3:50 AM, Blogger Amanda's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Did she say the gay friends were boys? Because if I perhaps had some photographic evidence, it's possible I could become obsessed with them, too.

Her next question...

"Dear Scottie,

Why won't Miss Manda leave me and my Pillows Of Joy alone?"

 
At 9/17/2007 12:20 AM, Blogger Nate's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

More manlove Scott! I need to fill this week's quota!

;D

 

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Dear Scottie, Pt I

... Or, What Have I gotten Myself into??

Dear Scottie,

There's this guy that I like. Named *****. He's my height ('bout 5'8"), blonde, plays varsity soccer, and has an amazing smile. He's part of the "popular" crowd, and I always manage to catch his eye when he passes me in the halls at school. There's just 1 problem...I have no idea if he's straight or not! He's never had a girlfriend, so that's a good sign I guess. I mean, I could always pay him?

Any advice?

oyhjkpaf



Dear oyhjkpaf


Well, I can tell you that I had similar crushes in school, but never acted on them. Thankfully, in most cases, I didn't. If I'd even flirted with the one guy who used to smile at me all the time (also a soccer player), I'd probably have been pummeled.

I think the best thing you can do is try to be his friend. If he shies away from that, then either he's straight, or not comfortable in his sexuality (or both). Then again, according the emails I get, everyone becomes a little bit gay at sleepovers. Besides, you'll need friends to watch your back if you ever get a little too frisky with the wrong dude!

Now, I was friends with the neighbor boy, who was kinda quiet and geeky (like me). I had a huge crush on him, but he was 2 years older and never seemed to make any indication of wanting anything more. If only I HAD known then what I known now. I'd have had a much bigger smile on my face in high school. He turned out to be gay, but we never were really anything more than friends (and not so much anymore). Then there was the track star 2 years my junior, who, after we were both out of high school, I banged in the front seat of his car... but that's another story. ;-)

So basically, take it easy sparky, patience will pay off.

Love,

Scottie

P.S. I've never paid for companionship and don't condone it either.

Official-looking Disclaimer: I am not a shrink, doctor, teacher, clergy, bartender, or anyone with any specific professional advice-giving training. I'm just a dude with a blog who has fun.

Labels:

7 comments from the peanut gallery ·

7 Comments:

At 9/10/2007 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

You're the new Savage Love. Woo hoo!!! I knew you from the ground floor! wait, maybe that's not what I meant ;)

Meanwhile, to the dude who wrote: Just for it. Here's the worst scene in the script for ya:
You get him some place comfortable...to him, as you don't want to put him on the defensive, yada yada yada...I'm gay and I think you are too, let's hook up. (or however people get together any more, as I've never had game...ask K)

The worst? He punches you. If he's doing that, then he won't announce to the world that he got hit on by another guy. He'll be way to insecure, so you won't have to worry about feeling embarrassed by him or around him.

Sadly, it would end in another broken hearted crush.

but hey....that's all the Worst that could happen, no?

The best is, he likes you too and boom, all is well in the world =)

Take a chance!

 
At 9/10/2007 10:44 AM, Blogger Scottie's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Ignore beakerz, the poet laureat of cyber-space. He's a perfect example of what not to do (in most situations). :)

B: Love ya!

 
At 9/10/2007 7:54 PM, Blogger honeykbee's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Look out, McLovin' is on the scene!

I didn't know you were accepting advice seeking emails! Now I know what I'm going to be doing at work all week. Woohoo!

...though, I guess you've answered the majority of my questions already with your last statement. lol

 
At 9/11/2007 1:38 AM, Blogger Nate's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Baaaahahaha Scott as a clergy!@

 
At 9/11/2007 3:42 AM, Blogger Amanda's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Dear Scottie:

Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?

Also, and I swear I'm not making this up, WV is "ppwixa," which sounds like some kind of hipster alternative cooter wipe one might use to cure the not-so-freshies.

 
At 9/11/2007 8:29 AM, Blogger Scottie's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Manda: 3 words -- I-Vo-Ree :)

I keep myself as fresh as a daisy. So fresh one(or more) could eat off of me. Why, you ask? Because my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ;-).

::mwah::

 
At 9/11/2007 9:25 AM, Blogger naechstehaltestelle's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Everyone goes a little gay at sleepovers? Damn, i went to the wrong sleepovers...

 

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