Hell freezes over.

So I haven't written on here in a while; I've picked up most of my daily ranting and raving and moved it to Facebook (where this also feeds to). Unfortunately, that means those of you whom I don't know personally aren't getting to interact with me (unfortunately for me...god knows what you are thinking).

So lets see where I left off (In no particular order)

1. I went back to school, yes....again. This time it's fully-online and full-time in the evenings. I'm going for my MBA and as of Wednesday night, I will be 1/4th of the way through the program. It's going fast. I take 1 class at a time for 5.5 weeks, then the next day start a new class. Doesn't leave time for much of anything else.
2. I started laser hair removal on my neck. I got sick of getting heinous razor burn every time I decided to shave...and really do not look good with a full beard. BTW, if you are thinking of doing it, apparently the neck is the second worse place to get it...the first being inside the nostrils. Hurts like a M*ther F*cker.
3. I sold Reba. Yes, she served me well, but ultimately I wanted to get something a bit more me (and a bit more flashy). So I got myself a loaded up Altima (still without a name). He/She looks like this:(Any thoughts on a name?)
4. Charlie is doing well. Keeps me on my toes...Though, he's been on his toes a lot this last week...
5. So we got hit with Snowmageddon last week and got about 2.5 feet of snow dropped on us over the course of a week. Now it's snowing again. Well, this snow has managed to collect on the roof and is causing an ice dam which is leaking into the: Master Bedroom, Spare Bedroom, and Living Room. Fun, huh? Disaster recovery folks were here tonight and will be back later to rip some walls out, let them dry, and then put up new walls. Yeah, I am SO not looking forward to that.
   
   
   "what the hell is all this shit?""it's a good thing daddy got me this retarded-looking hoodie..."
   
   
6. I went to B&K's nuptuals in July and November (I love them dearly, but don't ask).
7. Work has (been great / sucked ass), depending on the week. I had a project that I worked very hard on, make it all the way to the CEO and Board of Directors, but I have a feeling my bosses are going to put their name all over it.
8. I got my wisdom teeth removed last summer. Yeah. That's right up there with water-boarding and wearing a chastity belt.
   

Yeah. Um..so that was totally random...but I think it gets you caught up. ;-)

Labels: crap, daily life, food, friends, generalized insanity, observations, office insanity, pictures, rant, stupidity, thoughts, vacation

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Gonna Wash that Man Right Outta My Hair

Sorry it's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened in the past couple of months, so I will recap as best as I can.

May was an interesting month; Charlie graduated obedience school, I took my first trip to Europe (I will post more of that later), and then I attended the most warped memorial service ever. EVER.

So J's step-dad died in January; his mom's had a hard time of it, but has been getting by. Old Fred was a crazy man. I mean that in the nicest, most gun-toting, vietnam flashback-having, drunken stupor sorta way. When Fred was making his final arrangements, he expressed that didn't want a formal service. He wanted to be cremated, he wanted bagpipes, Taps, and just immediate family and neighbors to be around while he's "dispersed" on the hill.

Well, here's what he got:

Memorial day; there were about 15 people, in his back yard. We'd planned to plant a tree in his memory (J's mom wanted it) and then some music and food. Well, somewhere along the way, she decided she didn't want to deal with bagpipes, so she just wanted a tape of the music. J's brother's girlfriend, Jeanine, decided to just download "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes, and taps. Then she brings over her banged-up boom-box to play it on.

So we dug this hole in the ground for the tree, appropriately a Weeping Willow, and got ready for the "ceremony." Jeanine, thinking of Fred's favorite things, comes up with the fabulous idea of putting Fred in his favorite beer cans...Milwaukee's Best (that's right, the Beast).

We are getting ready for the ceremony and I realize that I can't make it through without some chemical assistance, so I pop an anti-anxiety and put Charlie on his leash (don't want the puppy eating Fred...or pissing on him).

So back to the service, everyone's solemnly standing around the hole with their cans o' Fred. Jeanine starts the CD of Bagpipes; and mom starts to cry. Then the CD starts skipping like a drunken man with hiccups. "Amaaaaaazing :hic: Grace. How :hic: sweeeeeet the :hic:..."

Now, I'm trying not to laugh and praying to God that the pill kicks in to keep me from giggling.

Then the family starts taking their turns pouring out Fred into the hole with the tree. And I'm trying to keep Charlie from running at this wonderful grey flakey stuff that they are pouring into the hole. He's all, "Play ! Play ! Play !"

Then comes the drunken man's version of Taps, and Mom and J's bro start sobbing. I was very afraid that J's mom was going to try to throw herself to the ground over the tree screaming, "Take me with you!" Thankfully that didn't happen.

Oh, and Fred, the alcoholic he was, had a wicked sense of humor and a penchant for Elvis, so someone thought it would be fitting to have a little fun with the ceremony. Once all of the ashes were spilled and the hole is being back-filled, they switch the cd to an old recording of the announcer saying, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has just left the building."

I almost peed right there, but thankfully the drugs had kicked in. Instead of spilling ashes, I decide I will help by watering the tree; so there I am, holding a giant yellow watering can and trying to keep a rambunctious Corgi at bay...watering Fred. How's that for a mental image?

But wait, there's more! Fred, that is. So ol' mom starts handing out the remaining cans of Fred's remains and asks that people sprinkle him all over the hillside...in the wind...and there are pieces of Fred flying everywhere. I'm trying to duck for cover while keeping Charlie from eating the funny greyish flakes flying in the wind.

Wait, there's even MORE! Fred, that is. They have reserved a little bit of him and they want to spread his remains in his two favorite places. So we take the remaining can of Fred down to the Legion. On the drive, we debate the legality of spreading remains on private property, and decide it's best to be as discreet as possible.

So we pull up out front in the black SUV and J's brother runs out with this bucket o' Fred and DUMPS them in the rose garden in front of two old ladies on the porch of the legion who yell, "what was that?????" Jeff yell's "the dog.. " and jumps back in as we speed off.

We then drop by his second favorite bar and drop the last pieces of dust in their property. I say "we," but really, I was just an accessory. I sat in the car dumbfounded.

And then go back to the house and have dinner. After which I ran home, threw my clothes in the laundry, and proceeded to wash the final traces of Fred out of my hair.

Seriously?! Seriously.

Labels: friends, generalized insanity

3 comments from the peanut gallery ·

Loss

So one of my best friends' dog died this morning. I was at loss for what to do, so I looked online to check out the eCards for a simple greeting. One even had ones for loss of a pet, so I looked at the cards and there was one that was really nicely worded and drawn. I thought "ok, let's do this one." Then it played this interestingly sad church music.

I thought, "no...not right." So I looked down and noticed that it had options for different songs:

• First option: jaunty little walk in the park -- Not appropriate.
• Second option: jaunty day at the beach with dog barking -- Nope, not appropriate.
• Third option: jaunty version of "How much is that doggie in the window?" -- What the fuck?!?
• Fourth option: jaunty version of "Where has my little dog gone?" -- You have got to be FUCKING JOKING ME!?!?

Ok, there are some SICK FUCKS at a place that rhymes with Poo Mountain. I mean SERIOUSLY?!? Seriously.

Trust me, the irony is not lost on me. I send out ironic cards for birthdays, engagements, bar mitzvahs, Christmas, and others.

So, needless to say, I'm making my own card.

Labels: friends, thoughts

1 comments from the peanut gallery ·