So I haven't written on here in a while; I've picked up most of my daily ranting and raving and moved it to Facebook (where this also feeds to). Unfortunately, that means those of you whom I don't know personally aren't getting to interact with me (unfortunately for me...god knows what you are thinking).
So lets see where I left off (In no particular order)
I went back to school, yes....again. This time it's fully-online and full-time in the evenings. I'm going for my MBA and as of Wednesday night, I will be 1/4th of the way through the program. It's going fast. I take 1 class at a time for 5.5 weeks, then the next day start a new class. Doesn't leave time for much of anything else.
I started laser hair removal on my neck. I got sick of getting heinous razor burn every time I decided to shave...and really do not look good with a full beard. BTW, if you are thinking of doing it, apparently the neck is the second worse place to get it...the first being inside the nostrils. Hurts like a M*ther F*cker.
I sold Reba. Yes, she served me well, but ultimately I wanted to get something a bit more me (and a bit more flashy). So I got myself a loaded up Altima (still without a name). He/She looks like this:(Any thoughts on a name?)
Charlie is doing well. Keeps me on my toes...Though, he's been on his toes a lot this last week...
So we got hit with Snowmageddon last week and got about 2.5 feet of snow dropped on us over the course of a week. Now it's snowing again. Well, this snow has managed to collect on the roof and is causing an ice dam which is leaking into the: Master Bedroom, Spare Bedroom, and Living Room. Fun, huh? Disaster recovery folks were here tonight and will be back later to rip some walls out, let them dry, and then put up new walls. Yeah, I am SO not looking forward to that.
I went to B&K's nuptuals in July and November (I love them dearly, but don't ask).
Work has (been great / sucked ass), depending on the week. I had a project that I worked very hard on, make it all the way to the CEO and Board of Directors, but I have a feeling my bosses are going to put their name all over it.
I got my wisdom teeth removed last summer. Yeah. That's right up there with water-boarding and wearing a chastity belt.
Yeah. Um..so that was totally random...but I think it gets you caught up. ;-)
I can't believe how bad Snowmageddon was. I wasn't there, but both parents of mine were in DC for some reason or another and were stranded. I uh, wanted to be your Facebook friend but I wasn't sure which Scott Patrick you were.
"the world is barren enough, and stacked against love". Nice. Let people overjoyed at the prospect of marriage have their goddamned day, I say. religion over happiness? It's just sad. Sad is the only word. Yet at the same time isn't enough.
This weekend was crazy all because (in no logical order):
Got served freezer-burned lasagna(oh, just don't eat the edges)
Had a bird on my head
Watched a neighbor kid get carried out in a body bag
Shopped
Chopped my hair off
Ate chinese (food, not people)
Went to a pancake breakfast event for the Rotary
So it was a busy weekend, and I must tell you that it's quite surreal and sobering to watch a 24 year-old boy get carried out of his house in a black bag as if he were garbage. He apparently overdosed on something (we hear heroin). Well, he was a troubled child: drug arrests at an early age, jail-time for stabbing his ex-girl, couple of other ODs, rehab, etc... But you would have thought that after all that, he would have learned. I guess he got high and never came back down because Saturday he was dead. Hopefully his friends get a clue.
That's really sad. There has been lots of strangeness in the air lately. Be brave be vigil. I found myself scolding nineteen and twenty year olds at a party this weekend. They have absolutely no interest in voting in this election. The first election that they can vote and they have no interest! I said it’s a shame. I hope they enjoy the world that they helped to create and will inherit. They will all probably end up in body bags too. Such waste.
that's so sad. do you know if he was recently in rehab? apparently the first high after rehab is when a lot of people OD.
in a completely unrelated note, next time you guys come over i will make a lasagna. my pan broke last weekend (just randomly cracked for no reason!) but i got a new one at target on saturday.
also, on an even less related note, my word verification is "ampon." seriously. what the fuck.
So I posted a blog entry where I mention the J. Crew, and 24 hours later, someone from J. Crew is on my blog. What a coincidence. Now, I'm a stylish, young, gay man who would do wonders with marketing for J. Crew if only they would help to subsidize my clothing addiction.
Hell, I offer this up: If J. Crew were to provide me a wardrobe for one season, I'd wear nothing but J. Crew for that entire season. I'd even go one further and put shameless plugs in for their products in every entry.
Yeah, that's going to happen. :) A boy can dream, though.
I read that study...what bothers me about it is the fact that I can't get a portable brain scanner! I do seem to be lacking a great deal of fabulousity - maybe i'll check it again after lunch
First I took daddy to one of his fav. restaurants, Bravo's. Aside from being a restaurant that is almost guaranteed to give me shits faster than a water fountain in Tijuana, I just don't like the place. But, being a good son, I made my reservations with a smile.
I'd bitch about it fully, but I'm tired. So lets just recap it in one bulleted list:
Tell people what you have canceled off of the menu when they get menus, not 20 minutes later when you decide to take their order
Hand a fruit-covered, overflowing sippy-cup of smoothy to a 3 year old? Brilliant waitress
Soup and Salad comes AFTER appetizer
Hair goes on the head, and not in toddler's strawberries
Chicken Marsala should be brown (not black) on outside and white (not red) on the inside
Thankfully none of this happened to Dad's meal, but my day sucked.
Then I went to J's mom's for Daddy's day with his step-dad. Both his mom and step-dad were three sheets to the wind. Reeeeeaaaaaallly fun. Well, some parts were; the discussions around boobs, bunny mating, and the boys' pooping habits were my personal favorites.
Now I have to go to bed in less than an hour only to get up and go to work. Really f'ing brilliant.
P.S. Just because I'm gay, does NOT mean I'm watching the Tony's.
My bestest buddy and his boy bought Wii Fit today for their Nintendo Wii.
For those of you who aren't familiar, the Wii is a video game that actually requires physical exertion and tracks your body movements (particularly your hands). It can be quite a work out if you manage to avoid throwing the controller through the TV. It also has these little "Wii Mii's" which are built to look like you while playing games.
Anywho, the Wii Fit incorporates this gizmo that looks like a scale (yes, the devil's invention). So you have to pick your Wii Mii from the system and bring it into the game...then it does the unthinkable. It weighs you and checks your balance. Now mind you, I was 3 pieces of pizza and 3 margaritas into the night before I tried this, so I was bloated from the salt and a bit tipsy. Well, I got on the torture device and it surprisingly said that my Body Mass Index (BMI) was in the normal range. Woo hoo! It also said my weight was fine. Good, right?
However, the thing then, based on my balance, said that I had a physical age 8 years older than the actual. Now, let me just say, I wish I could program into the damn thing that I have horrible knees and therefore don't put much weight on the really bad one (left) causing my body to be out of balance. Oh well, what harm can this thing do, right? Right Guys? Guys?
Oh well. Well, this thing then decided to send me some interesting classes for balance such as Yoga, Skiing, and Walking a tight rope between two buildings while pigeons *shudder* and a giant clamping trap come at you. Who thought this fucking thing up as fitness? Remo Williams? Fuckers! The game actually makes you walk the tight rope and then jump over the clamp thing. What happens if you miss? You fall screaming and flailing down between the buildings and out of sight. Bit gruesome perhaps? It even has an option where you can just jump off the building.
What is this? The Wii-emo? Anywho, I'm just happy that it didn't change the shape fo my Wii Mii based upon my weight. B. was bitching about it giving him hips now. I was like "the Wii didn't give you hips, it just shows what you already have."
I hate Michelle Malkin. But I do believe she's just one of those people who just says things because she knows it'll piss people off and she'll be famous, without actually thinking about it.
So in less than 12 hours, I'll be flying (once again) heading for Jersey (or, as Ly would call it "Fucking Jersey"). Actually, Jersey is not my destination...I'm making the long-awaited trip to Fort Lauderdale. Woo hoo!
In anticipation of this trip, I decided that I wouldn't be pasty on my first day at the beach; I was going to get a fake bake. Now, you can't possibly get a tan in less than 48 hours in a tanning bed, so I stopped at the Body Shop because they always have had decent sunless tanners. I bought one for my face and one for my body (you know, cuz the body one will clog the pores, and you can't possibly walk out of the body shop paying less than $40.)
Anywho, I got this shit home and (with some help) rubbed it all over. It stunk like cocoa butter that had been lathered on a dead skunk and left in the sun to rot, but those are the dues one must pay to look fabulous. So later last night, I started feeling some stinging around the eye and mouth areas. I thought "this ain't right!" and decided today that I should take it back, lest I desire to look like a bronzed puffer-fish.
On the way to take it back, I stopped at a gym and asked about a spray-on tan. The lady said it would work well for me and I shouldn't have any problems. Plus she showed me her tan arms and I was sold. I paid my $20 and then followed her down a corridor with signs such as "Bahama," "Hawaii," and "Caymen" outside of each door. I thought to myself "How Festive!" and then was lead into a room that looked like a cross between a french bistro and a Star Trek set. There was granite, copper, and tile everywhere, and a little half-naked statuette holding a box of Kleenex (I didn't say it was CLASSY french bistro), and then right smack in the middle was this giant metal and glass thing. I can only describe it as a thing...It just was. It was like one of those tubes at the drive through bank teller. I thought I was going to hop in and be beamed off!
The lady told me about the steps to get ready: shower cap, cotton balls, Secret spray-on deodorant (for the hands and feet..don't ask me, I only tell the stories), and I was set! There were diagrams on the machine which told me to stand with my arms out yet relaxed in a sumo squat, and then to start lifting one leg at a time high in the air while the opposite arm raised and lowered. I was to do this in 2 rotations around the booth whilst holding my breath and keeping my eyes closed. Oh yeah, and I had to do these steps and rotations within 6 seconds folks! Six SECONDS.
So I was left alone in this room, naked, cold, with shower cap and cotton balls and I thought, "don't do a Ross(see below)."
I pressed the button, hopped in the machine before the 15-second lead time was up, and then took a deep breath while I assumed sumo position. I stood waiting for a bit and thought, "is it 15 Mississippi?" and waited longer. Then I realized that the thing on the wall wasn't even blinking, so I jumped out quickly and tried pushing the button again. Then I ran back in just before the spray started.
Now folks, I am SO glad there wasn't a camera in this room (that I'm aware of), because what happened next can only be described as either a naked Apache War Dance or an orangutan on speed. I danced around in that thing like my ass was on fire. Legs arms and testicles were flying through the air...It can't have been pretty.
Then, after 6 seconds, I let out a breath and then jumped out of the booth. I finished up with the required rubbing of the brown streaky shit all over my body and then toweling it off of said brown shit. I was then to wait 4 hours to see a results.
I saw results all right! I only had a few streaky spots, but those have been toned down with some aggressively-applied moisturize (I rubbed out the spots). Otherwise, it doesn't look bad. I shouldn't be too pasty on the beach.
Pain IS beauty and all that...Have a lovely vacation, take lots of pictures and remember that in Florida the suns rays are lethal. Stay out of direct exposure during 11:30 - 1:30 when the UV filters out the tanning rays and only allows the burn rays. You should end up with a lovely tan.
So there was just a commercial on for some debit card or something where these people are at a theater. They are purchasing tickets and the movie is supposed to start at 9. They look up at a clock that says 8:59, and then everyone frantically runs through the place trying to get their 10$ hotdogs and 20$ snowcaps. Then as the clock hits 9, they are flying into the theater doors.
Ok, so I'd like to know in what land of make-believe does a movie start on time? You KNOW there's going to be 4 commercials (including one for the marines), 5 previews, and some cutesy skit about turning off your cell phone.
In case I've neglected to mention it, I loathe flying. Being trapped in a pressurized tube in a 17" wide seat while being hurled through the air with 120 strangers is just not how I like to spend my day. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy watching the random idiots at the airport.
There is the seasoned business traveler, the new mom trying to figure out how she's going to survive the next 6 hours without drowning her baby in the blue water of the airplane lavatory, the slightly grungy-looking middle eastern guy at whom everyone is staring, and of course the 90 year old woman who insists on repeating each airport announcement as if she's committing it to memory. Fun stuff people!
"Barely awake gen y'er clutching mobile device and bottle of water..." Oops that's me. Later!
...Or, that's what I get for trying to be healthy.
So now that I've lost about 35 lbs, I no longer fit into half of my clothes. My shirts are too big in the middle and my jeans fall off of my ass.
Let me back (that ass) up a bit to explain... I've always had a butt. My mom has a bubble butt, her mom has a bubble butt and so on. I inherited the family trunk, and was actually very happy about that fact. So when I first start gain weight, I get a thin layer of padding all over that is not noticeable. After a few more poundsthe ass is really the first thingto show.
Now that my ass has shrunk it appears to be flattening out to the sides. Fun, huh?
Jeans are the worst thing to try to find once you've lost/gained weight. Either they a) fit in the waist, and then go up your ass b) fit in the ass, but are too big in the waist, c) fit in the ass and waist, but squeeze your thighs like a boa constrictor, or d) fit in your waist, but then your ass sags and you have holster hips. Trust me...I know.
Last weekend, I went through about 7 pair of Levis, none of which actually fit. What's amazing is that apparently 32" is not always 32". There must be about 100 different measuring standards at the Levi factory. It's not like women's clothes where a 2 is not always a 2 and there is no strict standard, but when I see 32"x34", I expect that. Not 29"x36" or 33"x29" (I swear to god one pair of 32"s couldn't make it past my knees!
So after being thoroughly disgusted with Levi's, tonight I tried on 10 pair of jeans. This is after having gotten disgusted at my fourth pair last weekend. I went online to True Jeans last night to fill in my measurements and shape until it came up with some jean styles that might fit. I think the cheapest was $150. Homie don't buy no $150 jeans. Got it? Ok.
What Homie does buy is almost $200 jeans that are marked down to $60 in the wasteland that is Filene's Basement.
First I tried on a few pair of 7 jeans that were marked down from $300 to $100. Then I tried on DKNY...let me pause to state that Donna Karan is an evil cunt who thinks all people should be shaped like stick insects... Then I tried on 3 pair of Chip and Pepper jeans that were getting closer to my size. I was beginning to sound like a Fergie song..."They say they love my ass in Seven Jeans, True religion..."
One was very close, but a bit too snug in the thighs for me. Finally, I reached my jackpot, and at around 70% off, who was I to argue?
So, I've wondered in the past what monster causes Pittsburghers to drive like idiots through our city's tunnels.
You see, if you aren't from here, you might not know anything of this legendary beast as elusive as the Loch Ness Monster. Pittsburgh highways have an incredible amount of traffic entering the tunnels -- one can quite literally be backed up in traffic for HOURS.
Exhibit A: Example of Pre-Tunnel Traffic
Once in the tunnel, there is a strange rash of braking going on. Cars begin braking for no apparent reason. It starts with one or two little braking moments and moved to outright stoppage before you reach the end.
Exhibit B: Braking
Once through the tunnel, the traffic is amazingly gone. It's as if the last few frustrating moments never happened.
Exhibit C: Traffic Gone!
Well, on this specific excursion, I decided to bring my handy little high-speed camera to see what is going on. I'd never tried before, and the results are downright frightening. I was able to capture the frightening Mon River Monster attacking. This is something that has never before been caught on camera, and we barely made it out alive. Warning: Not for the faint of heart: Click Here
Nothing of note to post, so I thought I'd throw in some of my favorite txt messages and IMs from the past few weeks:
Passenger Din Gong if you are on the aircraft please press your call button. Din Gong, your call button" (I still think I have you beat with my "Kitten Pantera, please pick up the nearest courtesy phone. Kitten Pantera" [overheard in Atlanta])
i have a boy who's going to dress as sanjaya and do a little dance with some clippy clothespins on his nipples and scrotum(ew)
i'm revoking your gay card (note from author: I've had my gay card revoked more times than Paris Hilton's driver's license, so I'm not concerned)
he'll be like "oh, so you who i don't know, has a friend, that would do me. great"(makes sense to me)
theres only so much running one can do to Fat Bottom Girls before one bursts into tears
Yeah, that about does it... Oh wait, forgot...
"nnnch nnnch nnnch"
which makes me think of one of my favorite commercials of all time:
I absolutely love going to work the week after Christmas. The only sounds are people kvetching about their family ordeals, tacky presents, cookies, and puking toddlers. So I plugged in my new table fountain and sat working out a communication plan for the coming year while listening to the trickle of water over stone.
It was a good time to take stock on what I've done in the past year and what I have to face in the coming year. Needless to say, I'm pooped!
Why didn't I get a memo about this new colorscheme? You can't just go around willy nilly changing things like that you know it really messes with peoples foundations!
So I've been trying for years to clear up my skin. It's not that I'm deformed like the Elephant Man, but I just can't seem to stop the random break-outs. Since I'm 30 (I know, I admitted it), I figured it was time for my skin to realize that I'm no longer a teen.
I had problems when I was a teenager, but after trying every other medicine, I went on Accutane, a potent OD of Vitamin A. This was 11 years ago. At that time, I had to sign a consent form that I understood that I shouldn't give my drugs to anyone that might be capable of getting pregnant. Apparently, it's known to cause severe birth defects including, but not limited to: Heart Problems, Head Deformities, Facial Deformities, and Republicanism (don't quote me on the last one). For guys, it's a pretty straight-forward process, but I had to break through the tabs on the right to get at each pill.
For women, that is supposed to warn you not to get "in the family way." For guys, it's meant to cause embarrassment should your male roommate find the little tabs suddenly cluttering the trash. Also, for women, they had to get monthly birth control tests.
You would think that would be a enough, but then you would be sadly mistaken. Apparently some young women took this to be merely a suggestion, and got knocked up anyway. These women had babies who looked somewhat like a Klingon or worse, Pat Robertson. Then, they decided they should sue for damages which prompted the FDA to come up with a new program wherein you have to sign the consent form, get tested monthly (still), push your pills through those little paper prego ladies, have your doctor go online monthly and put your information in stating that you'd been told all of the warnings, and go to the doctors every 30 days or else you don't get your pills. A bit extreme, I know, but what makes it worse is that the process is no different for men.
Apparently they were afraid some young man would get schtupped without protection and become the shame of the family when they deliver their very own bundle of natural selection fodder, and thus sue the drug manufacturers.
Seriously? Seriously!
What about the other side effects? I mean, it's more important to me to know about the nose bleeds, cracked lips, dry skin, red eyes, loss of night vision, aching muscles, mood swings, and all-around shittiness...or maybe I'm just on the rag.
Could be worse, though; I could be Anthony Smith this morning...yeah, that would REALLY suck.
I feel so sorry for that guy. I mean, he gets tricked into making a really stupid statement and, while known to probably no one before, gets mocked relentlessly afterwards. That, and I hate the Patriots. HATE. (Sorry, Rams fan)
When I recommended a "tea party" at the confluence I should have been a bit more clear. Other people are also calling for locals to dump booze into the rivers, but after further consideration, I feel that there should be some clarification.
The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board profits from every bottle of booze sold in this state, so by wasting booze, we'd essentially be giving the state even more money.
What I suggest is that we only use booze that is either homemade or purchased in other states. So pack up your hybrid (don't want to give them more in gas taxes either), cross the border to WV or OH, and get some cheap, homeless-quality hooch, and dump it in!
**UPDATE** I find it utterly friggin' hysterical that, after I posted this, I had two hits on the blog from someone at the state. Uh oh! I'm in trouble now! What are they going to get me for? Acknowledging their stupidity? Or claiming to want to muck up the environment.
Actually, I think alcohol in the Ohio River would be a good thing; it might make the crazy fish happier, and eventually it would get to our drinking water via Neville Island and maybe actually clean out the pipes a bit. God knows I won't drink that shit unless it's been filtered!
In all seriousness, PA is pretty ass-backwards about a lot of things. They really need to get with the times, before the rest of us young'uns move to more friendly states.
(Any thoughts on a name?)
"it's a good thing daddy got me this retarded-looking hoodie..."
3 Comments:
Few can pull off a blue camo snuggie like that there little pile of adorable
I can't believe how bad Snowmageddon was. I wasn't there, but both parents of mine were in DC for some reason or another and were stranded. I uh, wanted to be your Facebook friend but I wasn't sure which Scott Patrick you were.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Post a Comment