So I haven't written on here in a while; I've picked up most of my daily ranting and raving and moved it to Facebook (where this also feeds to). Unfortunately, that means those of you whom I don't know personally aren't getting to interact with me (unfortunately for me...god knows what you are thinking).
So lets see where I left off (In no particular order)
I went back to school, yes....again. This time it's fully-online and full-time in the evenings. I'm going for my MBA and as of Wednesday night, I will be 1/4th of the way through the program. It's going fast. I take 1 class at a time for 5.5 weeks, then the next day start a new class. Doesn't leave time for much of anything else.
I started laser hair removal on my neck. I got sick of getting heinous razor burn every time I decided to shave...and really do not look good with a full beard. BTW, if you are thinking of doing it, apparently the neck is the second worse place to get it...the first being inside the nostrils. Hurts like a M*ther F*cker.
I sold Reba. Yes, she served me well, but ultimately I wanted to get something a bit more me (and a bit more flashy). So I got myself a loaded up Altima (still without a name). He/She looks like this:(Any thoughts on a name?)
Charlie is doing well. Keeps me on my toes...Though, he's been on his toes a lot this last week...
So we got hit with Snowmageddon last week and got about 2.5 feet of snow dropped on us over the course of a week. Now it's snowing again. Well, this snow has managed to collect on the roof and is causing an ice dam which is leaking into the: Master Bedroom, Spare Bedroom, and Living Room. Fun, huh? Disaster recovery folks were here tonight and will be back later to rip some walls out, let them dry, and then put up new walls. Yeah, I am SO not looking forward to that.
I went to B&K's nuptuals in July and November (I love them dearly, but don't ask).
Work has (been great / sucked ass), depending on the week. I had a project that I worked very hard on, make it all the way to the CEO and Board of Directors, but I have a feeling my bosses are going to put their name all over it.
I got my wisdom teeth removed last summer. Yeah. That's right up there with water-boarding and wearing a chastity belt.
Yeah. Um..so that was totally random...but I think it gets you caught up. ;-)
I can't believe how bad Snowmageddon was. I wasn't there, but both parents of mine were in DC for some reason or another and were stranded. I uh, wanted to be your Facebook friend but I wasn't sure which Scott Patrick you were.
This is me looking at your photos: "Oh wow, what pretty pictures and AHHHHH ALLIGATOR!" I hate alligators. Also I went to Gatorland once and nearly peed my pants in terror.
I'm trying to get back into the swing of things having returned from 90-something weather to 50-something weather, so I will just throw out some random shit to keep y'all for now.
Observations on Vacation:
Floridians cannot drive -- It's called a TURN-SIGNAL people! USE IT!
Jersey into Florida ≠ Classy -- Some woman got totally ripped apart by yours truly for abusing our waitress. The conversation went something like: Bitch: This bread is HORRIBLE and DISGUSTING! Take it off our bill and OFF the MENU! (a) bread was delicious, b) the nasal Jersey accent is not pleasant at any hour)
Bitch: What is this crap? I ordered the Mahi sandwich! Waitress: You ordered the Mahi...you didn't say sandwich. Bitch: Take this back and get me what I wanted! (yah, I heard her order.. she said "I'll have the Mahi" dumb bitch)
Bitch: What is this ON (stress nasality of voice)??? Get me a real bun! Gawd! (um, yeah, the bread was a beautiful crusty hoagie roll that looked delicous)
So waitress brings out a hamburger bun... Bitch: What? This bun isn't TOASTED! How do you expect me to eat this???
The rest goes much like this:
Scottie (walks over to Bitch's table): Excuse me, ma'am. We're sitting at that table way over there having a fabulous meal. Bitch: Yah So??? (Janice from Friends wasn't this nasal) Scottie: Well, your attitude towards the waitress, who has the patience of a saint, is ruining our meal. Bitch: Mind your own business! Scottie: It's kind of hard when your voice is piercing through the air 10 feet away and making it our business. Bitch: Mind your own business! Scottie: Are you from Jersey??? Bitch: Mind your business. I LIVE Here! (with Jersey accent) Scottie: Fuckin' Jersey (turns and walks away)
Oh, and Bitch got up and left...and waitress thanked me profusely.
Mental Note: I don't want to see another Bahama Mama after our Bahamian cruise
Mental Note #2: When ancient hobbit of a man is wearing a speedo, don't look up as he bends over to rinse his scuba equipment, and thus expose his old balls to yours truly
Open Letter to Fort Lauderdale: Dear Sirs: There is such a thing as free parking, Lycra is not intended for exterior-facing clothes, Rename your roads.
To Pittsburgh: Please take note of Florida's climate, and try doing that.
Northwest Airlines is Ghetto, Filthy, and Annoying; please don't tell me that there is a malfunctioning error light and that's why we are going to go back to the gate and sit on the plane for the next hour while some schmuck in a maintenance uniform checks it out
If I EVER get my hands on those assholes who had to get off the plane in Detroit even after being asked to wait for those of us with very short connections, I will hurt you. You are evil and you must be destroyed. (We JUST made our connection, because the next pilot decided to wait 10 minutes for us to get there.)
So in less than 12 hours, I'll be flying (once again) heading for Jersey (or, as Ly would call it "Fucking Jersey"). Actually, Jersey is not my destination...I'm making the long-awaited trip to Fort Lauderdale. Woo hoo!
In anticipation of this trip, I decided that I wouldn't be pasty on my first day at the beach; I was going to get a fake bake. Now, you can't possibly get a tan in less than 48 hours in a tanning bed, so I stopped at the Body Shop because they always have had decent sunless tanners. I bought one for my face and one for my body (you know, cuz the body one will clog the pores, and you can't possibly walk out of the body shop paying less than $40.)
Anywho, I got this shit home and (with some help) rubbed it all over. It stunk like cocoa butter that had been lathered on a dead skunk and left in the sun to rot, but those are the dues one must pay to look fabulous. So later last night, I started feeling some stinging around the eye and mouth areas. I thought "this ain't right!" and decided today that I should take it back, lest I desire to look like a bronzed puffer-fish.
On the way to take it back, I stopped at a gym and asked about a spray-on tan. The lady said it would work well for me and I shouldn't have any problems. Plus she showed me her tan arms and I was sold. I paid my $20 and then followed her down a corridor with signs such as "Bahama," "Hawaii," and "Caymen" outside of each door. I thought to myself "How Festive!" and then was lead into a room that looked like a cross between a french bistro and a Star Trek set. There was granite, copper, and tile everywhere, and a little half-naked statuette holding a box of Kleenex (I didn't say it was CLASSY french bistro), and then right smack in the middle was this giant metal and glass thing. I can only describe it as a thing...It just was. It was like one of those tubes at the drive through bank teller. I thought I was going to hop in and be beamed off!
The lady told me about the steps to get ready: shower cap, cotton balls, Secret spray-on deodorant (for the hands and feet..don't ask me, I only tell the stories), and I was set! There were diagrams on the machine which told me to stand with my arms out yet relaxed in a sumo squat, and then to start lifting one leg at a time high in the air while the opposite arm raised and lowered. I was to do this in 2 rotations around the booth whilst holding my breath and keeping my eyes closed. Oh yeah, and I had to do these steps and rotations within 6 seconds folks! Six SECONDS.
So I was left alone in this room, naked, cold, with shower cap and cotton balls and I thought, "don't do a Ross(see below)."
I pressed the button, hopped in the machine before the 15-second lead time was up, and then took a deep breath while I assumed sumo position. I stood waiting for a bit and thought, "is it 15 Mississippi?" and waited longer. Then I realized that the thing on the wall wasn't even blinking, so I jumped out quickly and tried pushing the button again. Then I ran back in just before the spray started.
Now folks, I am SO glad there wasn't a camera in this room (that I'm aware of), because what happened next can only be described as either a naked Apache War Dance or an orangutan on speed. I danced around in that thing like my ass was on fire. Legs arms and testicles were flying through the air...It can't have been pretty.
Then, after 6 seconds, I let out a breath and then jumped out of the booth. I finished up with the required rubbing of the brown streaky shit all over my body and then toweling it off of said brown shit. I was then to wait 4 hours to see a results.
I saw results all right! I only had a few streaky spots, but those have been toned down with some aggressively-applied moisturize (I rubbed out the spots). Otherwise, it doesn't look bad. I shouldn't be too pasty on the beach.
Pain IS beauty and all that...Have a lovely vacation, take lots of pictures and remember that in Florida the suns rays are lethal. Stay out of direct exposure during 11:30 - 1:30 when the UV filters out the tanning rays and only allows the burn rays. You should end up with a lovely tan.
...Or, the Roaming Gnome is an obnoxious indian named "Joshua"
As we worked through plans for vacation, we found that there was less and less appealing about the Clearwater area than other areas of the state. We looked around and found that maybe Fort Lauderdale was more our speed.
So the past couple of nights we've been researching hotels, flights, and assorted activities in the Ft. L. area. We decided, what the hell, let's go there!
We did research on several hotels around the area and found one that seemed to pass a few tests from customers (oh, and those people that bitch about a 1$ rental safe...stfua!). After finding this hotel, we searched every friggin' travel site known to man: Priceline, Travelocity, Orbitz, Hotels.com, Kayak, otels, Expedia, Hotwire and Cheap Tickets. Priceline is my personal favorite as I have only had one dud out of about 10 different hotels and have stayed at Embassy Suites, Marriott, and Sheratons for all less than 45$ a night. However, Priceline didn't have this hotel in an option where we could see if the room had an ocean view, and seeing that we are going there for the ocean, that seemed important.
So we went for the gnome. They had the room and flights at the lowest price, so last night around midnight, we narrowed it down and started to book the flight. After going through a 10 minute process of picking days, number of visitors, city, hotel, airline, flight, room type, which seats we were going to get on the plane, and signing up for an account, we clicked to "confirm this reservation" and got a "this room is no longer available" message.
WTF??? So I went back to the site and saw that it was still listed, so we tried the entire process again (you have to start from the beginning each time). This time, when we got to the end, there was an error message. We did this about 5 times before 2 a.m., at which point I picked up the phone and was greeted by Joshua from Travelocity in Mumbai. He told me that there was no problem with the system and that it was user error. I fought with for a while and he said that if he booked it, it would cost 50$ MORE! So I argued until he agreed to try to do the online reservation with me. I mean, why charge ME because your system doesn't work.
We went through the 10 minute procedure and this time he and I both had computer errors simultaneously. He then said "my manager can book it for you and we will waive half of the fee." After being placed on hold for 15 minutes, he came back and said "the system is being updated right now, check back in the morning..oh and here's a code for 50$ off."
I got up this morning at 9 and tried booking online. Went through the entire process twice and got an error both times. Then I called Travelindia and found an American woman who was nice, but once her computer gave her the same error, she placed me on hold and disconnected me.
I got pissed, tried again with just the hotel this time and guess what??? It didn't work again after going through the whole thing. So, irritated, I called the hotel and found that there were "plenty of those rooms available" by a very nice man named Miles. At that, I called Travel-india and got Ralph, or Joseph, or Herbert and was told that it was my problem. I then demanded a US native and got transferred.
While on hold, I got a beep on the other line from Citibank who was confirming 5 charges for the hotel! I said "NO!" and then got my American Idiot. The American was this snotty bastard who told me he didn't see a problem. He called visa and had the 5 charges deauthorized, but then took 20 minutes to help me get the room. But did he get the room? No...there are no rooms available to them. When asked what he could do to assist me with the now 6 hours I'd spent doing the booking, he said "All I can do is say 'I'm Sorry!'."
Fuckers! Yeah, you're sorry. I was so fed up that I called a travel agent. Got a room up the road, of comparable style and quality and right on the beach. We even got the same exact flights we were getting online. The woman there was extremely nice, so when she told me that she got me all of this for $130 less than travelocity, well, I could have kissed her.
So the room is booked, we are on our way in May, and I had to go Old Skool to do it!
So guess who's not going to be playing with the Traveling Gnome? Sheesh!
That sounds like the worst experience ever. I take it you'll never use Travelocity again? I can't believe it was cheaper to book through a travel agent. I'll have to do the same next time.
I’ve had similar experiences trying to book trips online. I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN! I meant to suggest Ft. Lauderdale after reading your last post...it is after all Where The Boys Are. Last time I was there I stayed in the Sheraton Yankee Clipper and was so pleased to find that they were hosting hundreds of gorgeous blond Scandinavian men who wore the skimpiest Gucci swim trunks I ever did see. I totally felt like Connie Francis or Yvette Mimieux even.
So this year, we're having a bit of trouble planning our vacation. If you were around for it, Last Year was a blast. We had a friend to visit who was able to point us to various fun places.
This year, we're looking to Florida for fun, but it's kind of like pin the hotel on the beachfront. Granted, the state looks like a penis, that's not the reason we're going. I really just want some sun in my face, cool breeze on my skin, and sand in my ass-crack.
So, Florida, right? Well, it's a BIG f'ing state and there are a LOT of beaches. So how to narrow it down? Well, I want blue water (I used to live on the Atlantic, and don't want that stinky brown shit). I want fun mixed with relaxation. That leaves us with about half of the state.
So far, I'm narrowing in on the area between St. Pete's and Clearwater. I have NO clue what to do once we get there. I'd like to do some sight-seeing, swimming, drinking, eating, maybe play with dolphins or manatees, and take in some local flavor (keep your minds out of the gutter...it's already occupied by mine.)
Any suggestions? Recommendations? References? Smart-ass remarks?
Is Miami an option? It sounds like such a cool place on CSI: Miami. Except for the Cuban mobsters and dead bodies everywhere. And David Caruso....*shiver*
I've been to quite a few places in South Florida, but if you want clear, blue water, I wouldn't recommend the Gulf side. The best water I've ever seen in Florida, personally, has been when we've gone to Boca Raton, Palm Beach or Ft. Lauderdale. My husband and I love Key West, but that's not really a "beach" town, we'd just fry ourselves by the pool all day and then go bar-hopping at night. Good luck! By the way, thanks for the comment on our blog! :)
J and I decided to take a weekend trip up north to see the leaves change. Granted, they don't change all that quickly if you stare at them, but they did get more colorful the further north we went.
We drove past my 'rents, up to Lake Erie, took a right turn, and then drove along the lake until we hit Buffalo.
Then we crossed the river and made our way into the land of Hockey, Syrup, and Mooses(meese?), eh?
Customs were friendly. All they wanted to know was where we were going to spend our money to support their economy.
Turns out, they are very accepting up there. They don't care who comes up to visit as long as they pay the taxes. The Canadians even name their streets in our honor.
We stopped by our hotel found on something that sounds like "Rice wine," then walked on down to see the infamous Niagara Falls.
I'd seen them twice before, but never from the Canadian side.
To be fair, I did hear them from the Canadian side once, but it was 1a.m. and I was half in the bag. I'm just lucky I didn't fall in.
If you go to visit, you must see them from the Canadian side...much prettier.
The falls greeted us with a little rainbow. I thought to myself, "Hey, this country isn't half bad, eh?"
So what if they can't pronounce "about" and who cares that the entire country has an issue with over-taxation. These people are still pretty cool.
The woodland creatures were very friendly. This little guy walked up to me and offered me a blowjob for some crack. I gave him a busted nut, and that seemed to keep him happy for a bit.
But then he stole my wallet, camera, and tried to make love to my shoe while singing "Rock Me Gently."
I looked over the edge of the falls and found this poor suicidal pigeon, who had all but lost all faith in the world. I did manage to talk him down from the ledge, but there's no guarantee that he didn't go home and wash down a handful of 'ludes with a fifth of black velvet.
Then again, I have no control over that.
We left the falls for a bit to do some gambling and then have dinner at the Hilton. I only lost 15 USD at the Casino Niagara, but I think I found out what happened to the pigeon; the $35 chicken breast tasted vaguely gamey. Unfortunately with the exchange rate, that made it too ridiculous to even post the price, but the view was fantastic.
After dinner, we strolled back down to the falls to check out Canada's homage to gay america as they illuminated the American falls in rainbow lights.
Something tells me it was less about aesthetics and more about thumbing their noses at Bush (leave me to my fantasies).
After taking another 100 pictures of the falls, we walked around town and found many drunken college kids as well as several specialty boutiques selling ::ahem:: fine glassware.
They seemed to want our money, but didn't take too kindly to me snapping their pic. Oh well, if you don't want your momma to see it on the internet, don't do it in public (or with Paris Hilton).
The next morning, we snuck back across the border with a load of Duty-Free booze under the car seats. The doberman at the border was quite snippy, but we gave her a milkbone and scratched her behind the ear and she let us through. Only after reminding us that we needed to have proof of citizenship with us. I think she meant a 10-spot and some coke, but I didn't stick around to ask.
We zipped off back into the USA and then headed to the place where I spent the last year of my youth (and lost it to a manipulative bastard).
The school looks much different, yet still familiar, even after 12 years of being away.
Finally, we stopped by Orchard Beach in Erie on our way home to kick some seagulls and poke a few dead fish with a stick. Oh, come on now. Don't go all PETA on me. We didn't kick the seagulls; we put alka-seltzer in front of them and made them listen to John Tesh CD's, then we counted how long it took them to off themselves.
What a fun trip! Those Canadiadians. I do love the pic of those people in the "glassware" store. If their lungs weren't so fried, they'd probably run after you to take your camera.
How lovely to see you boys frolicking with Canada's finest rabies carriers! I hope you smuggled back some penicillin along with all that Jack Daniels.
Tell the guy manning the register that if he didn't want to live in the limelight he should have chosen a career less in the public eye than being proprietor of Niagara Bongs.
..or If you want to know how to REALLY get drunk, ask a Native American
Tuesday we made a quick trip up to Phoenix.As you can see above, I don't have a lot of pictures. Why, might you ask? Well, I was too busy shopping and getting hit by a car. Well, our rental car got hit by another car...
So there we were, sitting at a red light for at least 30 seconds, J was driving and I was reading the map. Suddenly, BAM, we get rear-ended by some bitch in a LeBaron. I get out of the car to inspect the damages, thankfully there were none, and then walked over to the woman, who DIDN'T bother to get out...
"You Hit US!" "I didn't MEAAAAAN to!" "Pay attention you idiot" "hrmpf"
"I didn't MEAAAAAN to," is going to stay in my head as the LAMEST fucking excuse I've ever heard for an accident. Like that was supposed to make it all better. What makes it more hysterical was the fact that, this week, Phoenix was listed as the city with the 6th rudist drivers in the country. Which I witnessed first-hand.
Ok, so in the morning, we headed north through the Tonto National Forest. I have to laugh when I see the name "forest" referring to anything in this state. Apparently, if you have a handful of bushes and a million cacti, mainly Saguaros, then you have a forest.
We stopped at Montezuma's Castle (neither a castle, nor Montezuma's) nestled in one of the cliffs in the Campe Verde area. It was amazing to see that that the natives, much like my friend K, enjoyed delux apartments in the sky.
After another hour or so on the road, we finally made it to Sedona; Probably the most beautiful place in the country. We decided to take a 2 hour jeep tour high up into the mountains (starting at around 4000 feet and making our way up to over 7000 feet). That ride, with Jimmy, the Sioux tour guide was probably better than any roller coaster. We rode along a tiny little dirt road used by the area's first settlers, John Wayne, the Judds, and the models for Chico's. Yep, that's them above doing a fashion shoot on Carousel Rock. Fun huh?
Here's a view down into the valley from wenst we came.
And some of the beautiful rocks made of rust (iron oxide). We saw lots of fun things on that trip. A million Cacti, Century Plants, Juniper Trees (where gin comes from), Collared Lizard (who doesn't like his picture taken), and some other fun sites.
After two hours of bouncing up and down the moutains, we decided to teach the Prickly Pear Cactus a lesson. So we ate it. Not bad, kind of taste like beans. The best, though, was the margarita made with juice from the Prickly Pear. MMMMM.
After our snack, we left the Cowboy Club and discovered it to be raining...and hailing in town. This is kind of odd, because it's not the rainy season. But, after a Margarita, I didn't really care what it was doing outside and so I decided to do some shopping.
We found some fun souvenirs, and *ahem* interesting sculptures. Note: B, this is not what I meant when I said there is a Dry Beaver in Arizona.
Sedona is a very interesting place. Because of the colors, light, and various unique flows of energy, and the iron oxide, the area has created this giant magnet, sucking in hippies and homos from the 4 corners of the United States. There are psychics, artists, and weirdos peddling everything from crystals to palm readings. It's quite amusing!
We also discovered that Snoopy abandoned his house and started sleeping on the rocks in Sedona. That's woodstock sitting on his nose.
Of course, Lucy is a bit miffed, but is sitting patiently on the center of the mountain above Snoopy...
And then, we headed back down the mountain to Phoenix. Overall it was a nice trip. I wish I could have spent more time in Sedona. There is such a strange and relaxing energy there that makes you want to plop your ass down on a rock and have a drink or ten.
...or I make you a super bargain! (a visual tour of Nogales Mexico)
So this is the border that we are trying to secure. First of all, what a friggin' joke. A 90-year-old woman with a step-stool could scale that. Secondly, I just don't understand how the border is secure? People from Mexico just walk across the border and say they are going for a visit...and they are let in. Why the hell are people walking 40 miles in the desert to find the promised land? Again; what a friggin' joke.
So this sign gave me a giggle at the border. "I declare that I'm a fruit!"
Once I got through the border, I happened upon a scene much like this above. What were the first words said to me by a local? "hola?"...no...
"Hey you wanna go to titty bar?" "Uh...no thanks" "You want hooker?" "No thank you." "You want pharmacy?" "No, I'm good. Thanks"
Yeah, apparently the only people who cross the boarder are sex-starved freaks with a need for cheap vicodin and viagra (and they even write your prescription right there as you ask for it!).
I was asked this in some variation at least 20 times in the couple of hours I was over there. Crazy shit. My favorite was:
"Wanna go to titty bar?" "No Thanks!" "Gay Bar" "huh???"
I think I said "No thank you" at least 200 times as people tried to peddle other services such as: plates, bobble-heads, leather, bongs, and tequila. Then there was the heart-breaking little girl who said, "Señor, would you like chiclets?"
Did I buy anything there? You bet your sweet ass! I got some little knick-knack souvenir-type things. Nothing too exciting, or illegal.
And then when I came back through the border, "are you a United States citizen?"
"yes" "what's in the bag?" "pottery, bobble heads, shot glass" "move along."
Move along, indeed. That, my friends, was Mexico. Hookers, Drugs, and Titty-Bars.
Reminds me of Vegas when the Bee and I were walking along, nearly jealous we weren't getting asked if we wanted hookers or porn. Mexico doesn't discriminate, they have prostitution for everyone.
Today J and I hopped a couple of puddle jumpers and headed out west. Our lay over was deep in the heart of Texas, Dallas that is -- Even the luggage has hats.
We laughed at the cliched "Everything is Big In Texas" memorabilia. Well, apparently the egos are also big! We weren't there long enough to visit with J.R. and Sue Ellen. But we were there long enough to realize that them people seriously loved their state.
I'll bet if they could secede from the U.S. to make their own state, they would. And I would whole-heartedly support that if it weren't for the fact that those people would probably declare war on a few disliked nations within a few hours. Instead of a Jihad, they'd have a Yee-haw'd.
Next we hopped Bronco Billy..er..the next plane, which felt like it was being steered with all of the steadiness of a 90 year-old with parkinsons.
Seriously? Do you win a prize if you can stay on the plane for 8.5 seconds?
And just where did this pilot get his credentials? Did they come with CrackerJack? Or at least a bonus bottle of Urine B Gone?
Next, we reached our destination, Tucson, where we were met by our friend, Ryan. We were then wisked away to Whataburger for a quick lunch and some sweet tea (for me). Oh, and check out Ryan's beautiful digs, where we will be chilling for the next week (save for a quick road trip north later in the week).
We are at this beautiful apartment complex with patios over looking a nice oasis in the middle. Kind of like Melrose place but without the psycho doctor chick...as far as I know...
Next, we were escorted away over the mountain to the Arizona-Sonoma National Museum to take in the wonders of the Southwest including some wildlife, vegetation, and really tall cacti. Did I mention I got a hat? Yeah... It's kind of cute in a hilly-billy sort of way, but mainly, it serves the purpose of keeping me from getting burnt.
Finally, we stopped for some dinner and caught the sunset over the Trader Joes before packing it in for the night.
Can you believe i've been up for 20 hours now??? Seriously. WTF?
(Any thoughts on a name?)
"it's a good thing daddy got me this retarded-looking hoodie..."
3 Comments:
Few can pull off a blue camo snuggie like that there little pile of adorable
I can't believe how bad Snowmageddon was. I wasn't there, but both parents of mine were in DC for some reason or another and were stranded. I uh, wanted to be your Facebook friend but I wasn't sure which Scott Patrick you were.
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