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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Say Uncle

As you've probably heard by now, my sister (Sheryl) and her husband have decided to bring another life into this world. We also know that I have the big mouth here, so it’s only natural that I'm the first to make the web-announcement.

Now, when she first told me of their decision, it was over dinner at the North Park Lounge (you know, she still owes me for that one…it was her turn to pay). Here was the girl who’d been saying for the past 20 years or so: “I’m not going to have any children.” I thought, “What joke is she setting me up for?” Then I realized that she was serious.

So Anyways, I got to thinking about it afterwards and how it affects me. I then began to appreciate what it means. I’m going to be an uncle! I’m going to be Uncle Scott. You know what else that means don’t you, Sheryl? I’m going to teach that kid everything I learned from you, and then some. Just when you thought you were safe… It’s time for revenge!

Remember teaching me how to belch? I’m going to teach that baby how to belch so loud, everyone in the mall will stop and stare. Don’t forget how you taught me to draw on the coffee table w/ crayons, you told me to do it underneath, so that mom doesn’t find it. Well, she did find it…I won’t forget that day.

Remember the hand-trick, Sheryl? In case y’all don’t remember. It was that summer when I was 7 and I went to that camp during the day. Sheryl shows up to pick me up, and here, I thought “My big-sister is here waiting at the bus-stop! That’s so nice!” I should have known that she was up to something. We started walking back towards the house and Sheryl says “Let me see your hand.” I, being naïve, cooperated. She then grabs my hand, and sneezes into the palm of it. THEN RAN! See I know mom remembers this now. Me; running into the kitchen; hand dripping with snot; screaming and Sheryl cowering in her room. Yes, I remember mom trying to contain the laughter as she washed the snot off of my hands.

Oh yes, Uncle Scott will be there to be the teacher. Just like my big sister taught me. This time, Sheryl can be the one that has to deal with it! I will be right there, Sheryl, but I doubt I will be able to contain my laughter. So just watch yourself!

Don’t worry. I will teach the kid the good stuff too. Like how to make hot dog wrap-ups in the toaster oven, or how to make a small batch of cookie dough. We weren’t allowed to use the oven, but we could make the dough... and that was just as good. I’ll also teach her how school works, before she can even imagine going. That way, she’ll be the smartest kid in kindergarten…just like I was.

I will teach her to be blunt and not ashamed to say what’s on her mind. And not be embarrassed by anything. I still remember the story grandma used to tell about Sheryl, at the age of 3, seeing grandma trying to put away her tampons, and Sheryl saying “OH! Tampons! Mom has Tampons!”…then 3 year old Sheryl went running off to find them. She then returns with the tampons yelling “See! Tampons!” Yes, Sheryl has always said what was on her mind.

I also know that when the time comes, you will send the child to visit Uncle Scott. Then, I will teach the little one the things that you never quite figured out. You know, like logic problems, algebra, chemistry. Remember all of the homework you would always pawn off on me?

As much as I know that I will be a good uncle… I also don’t have any worries of whether Sheryl will be a good mother. After all, she had years of practice trying to boss me around. She’s learned a lot about being a mother. She’s learned what to do, and especially, what not to do. I just hope that when the baby won’t stop crying, she doesn’t do like she did to me. I really don’t want to hear any other reports of a one-week-old with a shiner.

This is just great! I'm an uncle! So, without further ado, here is baby Breanna!

Baby and Mom

These Hands... (ok, I'll stop)

Proud Grandparents

Baby and Her Fabulous Uncle

Blame Holly for making her look like a shar pei


At 8/24/2005 9:47 PM, Blogger honeykbee's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

I laughed, i cried... FANTASTIC post!! Congratulations, Uncle Scott!!! =D

At 8/26/2005 10:43 PM, Blogger Dulcinea's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Such a beautiful tribute, with just the right amount of revenge. Welcome, Breanna and congratulations Uncle Scott. Welcome to the world of unconditional love :)


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