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Tuesday, December 18, 2007


Most of the time, I'm pretty oblivious to my surroundings. Especially when I'm shopping in my favorite 'hood, Shadyside. I can cross the street without looking and without getting hit, but don't ask me the color of the car that almost clips my heel.

So it surprises me that, Saturday, while shopping in the gay-borhood, I noticed the following conversation...well, monologue.

Some obvious white trash woman rounding a corner in front of an expensive jewelery store: "SORRY, SORRY, SORRRRRRRRY! If I hear one more fucking 'sorry!' I'm going to fucking scream! I HATE this fucking neighborhood!!!"

The guy she talked to just rolled his eyes and kept his mouth shut. I was trying to process what happened. Did she get bumped into in a store? Did Prantl's run out of burnt almond tortes?

Just as I thought I was landing on the right reason, I heard her and her man as they turned to a passerby and said in a sweet, tired voice, "Can you spare a dime this Christmas?"

WHAT THE FUCK? Since when do panhandlers get the right to be belligerent? Bitch is lucky she didn't ask me for money. I woulda gone all Tourette's on her, "You Fuckin' C*NT, Don't you DARE come into my hood and critize people for politely responding when you ask them for Fuckin' money whilst they shop for fine goods in their favorite 'hood. Bitch, I'll cut your dirty, honky ass so fast you won't even have time to bleed. Get your ass back to whatever slum you came out of and while you're at it, eat a pigeon or two, their population is getting entirely too high"

Whatever happened to polite bums? Like Sombrero Man*!

*For non-burghers: Sombrero Man is one of the most beloved bums in the Burgh. No local or Pitt student hasn't met Mister "Annnnnyboddddy Gottt Annnnny Money?? Gottt Annnnyyyy Channnge?" There are plenty of stories about this fixture.

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