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Monday, December 10, 2007

I swear I won't get pregnant

...or, is this really that much of a problem?

So I've been trying for years to clear up my skin. It's not that I'm deformed like the Elephant Man, but I just can't seem to stop the random break-outs. Since I'm 30 (I know, I admitted it), I figured it was time for my skin to realize that I'm no longer a teen.

I had problems when I was a teenager, but after trying every other medicine, I went on Accutane, a potent OD of Vitamin A. This was 11 years ago. At that time, I had to sign a consent form that I understood that I shouldn't give my drugs to anyone that might be capable of getting pregnant. Apparently, it's known to cause severe birth defects including, but not limited to: Heart Problems, Head Deformities, Facial Deformities, and Republicanism (don't quote me on the last one). For guys, it's a pretty straight-forward process, but I had to break through the tabs on the right to get at each pill.

For women, that is supposed to warn you not to get "in the family way." For guys, it's meant to cause embarrassment should your male roommate find the little tabs suddenly cluttering the trash. Also, for women, they had to get monthly birth control tests.

You would think that would be a enough, but then you would be sadly mistaken. Apparently some young women took this to be merely a suggestion, and got knocked up anyway. These women had babies who looked somewhat like a Klingon or worse, Pat Robertson. Then, they decided they should sue for damages which prompted the FDA to come up with a new program wherein you have to sign the consent form, get tested monthly (still), push your pills through those little paper prego ladies, have your doctor go online monthly and put your information in stating that you'd been told all of the warnings, and go to the doctors every 30 days or else you don't get your pills. A bit extreme, I know, but what makes it worse is that the process is no different for men.

Apparently they were afraid some young man would get schtupped without protection and become the shame of the family when they deliver their very own bundle of natural selection fodder, and thus sue the drug manufacturers.

Seriously? Seriously!

What about the other side effects? I mean, it's more important to me to know about the nose bleeds, cracked lips, dry skin, red eyes, loss of night vision, aching muscles, mood swings, and all-around shittiness...or maybe I'm just on the rag.

Could be worse, though; I could be Anthony Smith this morning...yeah, that would REALLY suck.

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1 Comments:

At 12/11/2007 3:13 AM, Blogger naechstehaltestelle's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

I feel so sorry for that guy. I mean, he gets tricked into making a really stupid statement and, while known to probably no one before, gets mocked relentlessly afterwards. That, and I hate the Patriots. HATE. (Sorry, Rams fan)

 

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