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Friday, April 11, 2008

Jeanetic Disorders

...Or, that's what I get for trying to be healthy.

So now that I've lost about 35 lbs, I no longer fit into half of my clothes. My shirts are too big in the middle and my jeans fall off of my ass.

Let me back (that ass) up a bit to explain... I've always had a butt. My mom has a bubble butt, her mom has a bubble butt and so on. I inherited the family trunk, and was actually very happy about that fact. So when I first start gain weight, I get a thin layer of padding all over that is not noticeable. After a few more poundsthe ass is really the first thingto show.

Now that my ass has shrunk it appears to be flattening out to the sides. Fun, huh?

Jeans are the worst thing to try to find once you've lost/gained weight. Either they a) fit in the waist, and then go up your ass b) fit in the ass, but are too big in the waist, c) fit in the ass and waist, but squeeze your thighs like a boa constrictor, or d) fit in your waist, but then your ass sags and you have holster hips. Trust me...I know.

Last weekend, I went through about 7 pair of Levis, none of which actually fit. What's amazing is that apparently 32" is not always 32". There must be about 100 different measuring standards at the Levi factory. It's not like women's clothes where a 2 is not always a 2 and there is no strict standard, but when I see 32"x34", I expect that. Not 29"x36" or 33"x29" (I swear to god one pair of 32"s couldn't make it past my knees!

So after being thoroughly disgusted with Levi's, tonight I tried on 10 pair of jeans. This is after having gotten disgusted at my fourth pair last weekend. I went online to True Jeans last night to fill in my measurements and shape until it came up with some jean styles that might fit. I think the cheapest was $150. Homie don't buy no $150 jeans. Got it? Ok.

What Homie does buy is almost $200 jeans that are marked down to $60 in the wasteland that is Filene's Basement.

First I tried on a few pair of 7 jeans that were marked down from $300 to $100. Then I tried on DKNY...let me pause to state that Donna Karan is an evil cunt who thinks all people should be shaped like stick insects... Then I tried on 3 pair of Chip and Pepper jeans that were getting closer to my size. I was beginning to sound like a Fergie song..."They say they love my ass in Seven Jeans, True religion..."

One was very close, but a bit too snug in the thighs for me. Finally, I reached my jackpot, and at around 70% off, who was I to argue?

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At 4/15/2008 10:18 PM, Blogger honeykbee's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

7? 10? Pssh. Cry me a river, flatass.


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