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Sunday, August 24, 2008

Whiskey Tango

So today was my niece's third birthday. Awesome, right? It seems like only yesterday that I was holding her in my arms...fresh from the womb. Now she's running around the yard, hopped up on birthday cake squealing "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeessee!" Don't ask me... I think she dipped into some of the adults' drink barrels...

Oh, and then my bro-in-law's redneck family showed up. I mean, this was seriously like something out of Jerry Springer: The parents are disgustingly W.T. and his toothless older (33) brother showed up with his new baby and baby-momma (oh, and her 14 year old daughter...seriously, I thought the daughter was the baby momma at first). What's scary about the whole thing is not that he knocked up some equally nasty momma, but that he called his own brother from the hospital a couple of weeks ago to say "You're an Uncle." This wouldn't have been scary had my b-i-l KNOWN his brother got some girl pregnant. Seriously? Sing it with me now : "PATERNITY TEST!!!" Never mind, those people can't even spell paternity.

So amongst the 5 of them that showed up, they maybe had a full set of teeth. Maybe.

Anywho, so I thought I'd be nice, and introduced myself to the baby-momma's older baby and said "hi, I'm Scott." Could you believe the bitch had the nerve to give me the stink-eye and then GRUNT! I was all "no she di'nt" and told my sis what that "see you next tuesday" said to me. I mean, you don't come to a party UNINVITED and then have the nerve to be rude to the other guests. I had just been NICE to them and explained to them what all the catered food was (sis got mexican) when they were all, "umm..what's this??" I mean, even white trash eat at Taco Bell.

Me: "These are chicken burritos, those are beef burritos, these are refried beans, that's rice and that stuff is all for taco salad."
Them: "duhhhhhhhhh. Where's the Govmunt Cheez and Below-Knee? You mean no-one brought a jello mold or tuner-noodle cassy-roll with 'tater chips?"

That's the last time they get me being nice to them. They even sat on the total other end of the yard. I leaned in to my aunt and said, "who are the Hatfields and who are the McCoys?"

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At 8/25/2008 3:14 AM, Blogger naechstehaltestelle's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

That sounds awful, actually. I hope they didn't ruin your niece's birthday party. I've attended a lot of weddings in Missouri, and the redneck part of the family always shows up to ruin everything. It's funny in retrospect, but not so much for the bride and groom.

At 8/25/2008 1:38 PM, Anonymous neill's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

WT frighten me.

At 8/26/2008 10:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

At least you can make fun of them to their face using $10 words and they wouldn't know the difference.

At 8/28/2008 10:31 AM, Blogger honeykbee's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

glol @ blow-knee

You teach l'il you how to belch yet?


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