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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Imagined Bus Drama

...Or what happens on the HOV lane, stays on the HOV lane

I know that much of drama that I experience on the bus is perpetuated by my over-active imagination. I mean, Triggerfish, Pissy-face, Penguin, Courtney Like, Princess Pouty, aren't the real names, but names that I've bestowed upon the unfortunate-looking people on the bus.

However, there are some things I have to question:

  1. Why is it that, when the bus is full of people and I have to stand, the bus driver inevitably feels like she is steering the Jack Rabbit?

  2. Why is it that Cruella (another character), parks her ass in front of the door of the bus, even if she's the first person on? (Please step to the rear)

  3. Why do women feel that, even though I've been standing at the stop for a half hour, when the bus does finally arrive (2 minutes after they got to the stop), that they have the right to step in front of me?

  4. Why does the Law of Fat People Magnetism apply? Let me elaborate... When I sit next to a fat person, as I did this morning, why is it that another person of equal fatitude has to sit on my other side, flanking me like a pair of Buddha bookends causing my shoulders to be squished out of their sockets and into my chest?

  5. ...and finally, When one of those fat individuals is the county sheriff, why must his handgun be pointing at and digging into my thigh the entire ride making me dread each bump of the bus as the Jack Rabbit drives us 65 miles an hour down the HOV lane, throwing Triggerfish's crotch into my face?

I'll be fine, everybody, as soon as the meds kick in. Thanks for asking.

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At 9/20/2007 9:41 AM, Blogger naechstehaltestelle's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Think of the bright side. If the bus ever crashes, you'll be properly cushioned by the "fatitude". Like human airbags.

At 9/20/2007 10:20 AM, Blogger Scott's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

But consider the physics. (Fat) Objects in motion tend to stay in motion unless acted upon by an equal(ly fat) and opposite outside force. That said, fat guy #1 will keep moving (over me) until reaching fat guy #2, thus making Scottie a greasy spot in between.

At 9/20/2007 8:48 PM, Blogger Nate's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Did you seriously just say "Buddha bookends"?!

You seriously need to coin that phrase.

At 9/20/2007 11:25 PM, Blogger honeykbee's whiny, bitch-ass comment is...

Yikes! It'd be like a squashed Scottie ball of perpetual motion!

Is falling into triggerfish's awaiting crotch an option?


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