Um... Yeah

So in less than 12 hours, I'll be flying (once again) heading for Jersey (or, as Ly would call it "Fucking Jersey"). Actually, Jersey is not my destination...I'm making the long-awaited trip to Fort Lauderdale. Woo hoo!

In anticipation of this trip, I decided that I wouldn't be pasty on my first day at the beach; I was going to get a fake bake. Now, you can't possibly get a tan in less than 48 hours in a tanning bed, so I stopped at the Body Shop because they always have had decent sunless tanners. I bought one for my face and one for my body (you know, cuz the body one will clog the pores, and you can't possibly walk out of the body shop paying less than $40.)

Anywho, I got this shit home and (with some help) rubbed it all over. It stunk like cocoa butter that had been lathered on a dead skunk and left in the sun to rot, but those are the dues one must pay to look fabulous. So later last night, I started feeling some stinging around the eye and mouth areas. I thought "this ain't right!" and decided today that I should take it back, lest I desire to look like a bronzed puffer-fish.

On the way to take it back, I stopped at a gym and asked about a spray-on tan. The lady said it would work well for me and I shouldn't have any problems. Plus she showed me her tan arms and I was sold. I paid my $20 and then followed her down a corridor with signs such as "Bahama," "Hawaii," and "Caymen" outside of each door. I thought to myself "How Festive!" and then was lead into a room that looked like a cross between a french bistro and a Star Trek set. There was granite, copper, and tile everywhere, and a little half-naked statuette holding a box of Kleenex (I didn't say it was CLASSY french bistro), and then right smack in the middle was this giant metal and glass thing. I can only describe it as a thing...It just was. It was like one of those tubes at the drive through bank teller. I thought I was going to hop in and be beamed off!

The lady told me about the steps to get ready: shower cap, cotton balls, Secret spray-on deodorant (for the hands and feet..don't ask me, I only tell the stories), and I was set! There were diagrams on the machine which told me to stand with my arms out yet relaxed in a sumo squat, and then to start lifting one leg at a time high in the air while the opposite arm raised and lowered. I was to do this in 2 rotations around the booth whilst holding my breath and keeping my eyes closed. Oh yeah, and I had to do these steps and rotations within 6 seconds folks! Six SECONDS.

So I was left alone in this room, naked, cold, with shower cap and cotton balls and I thought, "don't do a Ross(see below)."


I pressed the button, hopped in the machine before the 15-second lead time was up, and then took a deep breath while I assumed sumo position. I stood waiting for a bit and thought, "is it 15 Mississippi?" and waited longer. Then I realized that the thing on the wall wasn't even blinking, so I jumped out quickly and tried pushing the button again. Then I ran back in just before the spray started.

Now folks, I am SO glad there wasn't a camera in this room (that I'm aware of), because what happened next can only be described as either a naked Apache War Dance or an orangutan on speed. I danced around in that thing like my ass was on fire. Legs arms and testicles were flying through the air...It can't have been pretty.

Then, after 6 seconds, I let out a breath and then jumped out of the booth. I finished up with the required rubbing of the brown streaky shit all over my body and then toweling it off of said brown shit. I was then to wait 4 hours to see a results.

I saw results all right! I only had a few streaky spots, but those have been toned down with some aggressively-applied moisturize (I rubbed out the spots). Otherwise, it doesn't look bad. I shouldn't be too pasty on the beach.

Labels: daily life, funnies, stupidity, vacation

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